Home Coming

When people tell me they want to move back to Nigeria, I respond with the question, why? Sometimes I get a puzzling reply bordering around the fact that Nigeria is after all home, like it or not! Other times I get a response on how much better things appear to be in Nigeria and how so and so came back a few years ago and is earning a fat salary and living the vida loca. I listen while they rant and go on and on and once they are done, my reply is the same. ‘Don’t come back if you have nothing to offer Nigeria, we have enough people in Nigeria who are just here for the taking, we don’t need anymore’.

Now I don’t mean to sound like a patriot but I have a deep rooted feeling and ambition that I am here for a purpose. Yes, I was in the UK for over a decade, schooled there, lived there and at one point was quoted to have said I couldn’t imagine living in Nigeria.

It’s been 7 years back in Nigeria and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My return to Nigeria was the beginning of many changes in my life. With my return I decided I would only ever work in a field I enjoyed. I took stock of myself and made decision to work with my strengths for a change. This meant no longer being stuck in some dead end profession just for the money. I developed a new philosophy around the premise of leveraging on my innate ability rather than my learned skills. I took myself back to a time where I was well known for talking and writing, the tender age of 7. My friends had told me I was good at advising and so with that extra bit of information I had my top three innate skills; Talking, Writing and Advising. The career finding exercise paid off. My first job in Nigeria was in Consulting. A profession that never ever crossed my thoughts when I was in the UK making the most of my IT career with Nokia UK designing software for mobile phones. A place I cherished for the exposure it gave me to world class systems but a job more mundane than a picking and packing job in a factory.

To return back to Nigeria, is not an easy option by any means because the situation is not as blissful as may be painted. Coming to Nigeria on holiday is no where near the same as coming back for good. It is easier to cope with black outs when you are on holiday but when you are here for good you don’t just cope, it also bites right deep into your pocket all through the year. More than anything else, I detest the traffic, the pot holes, the insecurity and the terrible driving habits so much so that I have developed a driving phobia. I tell anyone who would listen that you must be sick of your present state abroad to come back here otherwise that decision to return will never be made. There must be a trigger and you must have reached the end of your tether. There must be a deeper than superficial reason to come back here because on the surface it appears to be a crazy decision. When people tell me 101 reasons why they can’t come back yet I tell them not to worry because they aren’t quite there yet. When you are there you will know it.

Coming back to Nigeria for me marked my ‘coming of self’, A time when I came full circle in deciding what career path to follow. Nigeria represented the atmosphere for me to be me. My first job here was the most exciting of my whole life. Sunday blues, a feeling that lingered throughout my career in the UK became a thing of the past. As a young consultant I looked forward to going to work every morning. The people I worked with were like me, they spoke like me, behaved like me and understood my being. We joked at work, faffed around sometimes and even when we worked crazy hours on those crazy projects with manic deadlines we still loved what we did.

It’s different for everyone I guess but for me coming home brought out the best of my career. Career for me is not a job but an assignment strongly linked to my mission in life. Career for me is the God given gifts and talents I have naturally made beautiful by the skills I have acquired over the years. So understand why my decision to return to Nigeria is one I am grateful I made.

To my brothers and sisters that want out of Nigeria I say to them by all means go. It is a good thing for one to be exposed to the ways of the rest of the world. There are so many things I learned in the UK. In fact my UK experience has been an added advantage to a lot of career moves I have made. I encourage exposure with a plan. I say with a plan because it is easy for one to forget the plan and get lost in learning the rudimentary skills required to thrive in a foreign culture. Also, it is not necessary to be in Nigeria to be part of the change; we have so many Nigerians in the Diaspora that are doing a better job of uplifting Nigeria than the multitude of Nigerians here.

Today, I still consult but I work for myself. I left corporate Nigeria to pursue my personal dreams and ambitions. I would love to be in government to influence policy formulation and execution. People think I am crazy when I say that but it’s just part of that desire to do something about the malady in this our country Nigeria.

There’s so much promise in Nigeria. Because there are so many issues there are an equal number of opportunities for people who love solving problems or puzzles which many times seem to be the Nigerian case. We need people on a mission here in Nigeria. People who want change and are willing to drive and be a part of the change process. People who see the big picture and the benefits associated with a better Nigeria. People who believe that the success story of Nigeria is not complete without them.

Man Proposes but God Disposes

The last few days have been somewhat low for me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do although I know that things always happen for a reason.

This week was focussed on ensuring my application for the doctorate program was completed. I spent time writing a research proposal, getting my references and finalising all the requirements for the application.

Excited that all was finally ready, I sent it out by email, with every required document scanned and attached. I had dug out my old scanner and fixed it. I even scanned my signature for endorsement on the application form. The climax came when I pressed send. I saw a reply notification like 3 minutes after I sent the mail, so I decided to do other things as I figured it was just an acknowledgement email since it came so fast. When I finally got round to opening the message it read;

Dear Madam

I am afraid that due to exceptional demand, Aberdeen Business School have closed applications for DBA applicants for present. We can not confirm yet, when applicants will be able to reapply, but I am afraid that we cannot accept your application at present.

Research Degrees Office


Immediately a deep seated sadness overcame me. I wasn’t sure whether it was the right way to feel but somehow it wasn’t the response I was expecting. The response seemed so flippant and vague that I responded by asking them to give me specific timelines. I just felt I needed something more concrete as university admissions can be applied for future sessions, so I asked when the embargo would be lifted or whether it was an indefinite decision. The response I got was not positive. Again it appeared like they were neither here nor there. To be honest I was a little irritated that they weren’t able to give a more precise response. The final response which I received today read;

Dear Madam

I don't really think that there is much point in further discussions. ABS have stated that applications are currently closed and when they choose to re-open applications they will let us know. However, for the moment there is little point in applying if you don't know when your application will be considered by ABS.

Research Degrees Office

Hmmm, now I don’t even know how I feel anymore, quite disappointed and somewhat confused as to what to do next. I am wondering whether its not meant to be? The choice of school was really based on the fees. They are the only one I think I can mange to fund by myself the next available school charges double the fees and I really cannot afford that right now. Also the other schools have workshop that you must attend and I really need the flexibility of a distance learning program. The other school I applied to at the beginning of the year requested that I do a relevant masters first before embarking on their program. O gosh what do I do now? This just throws my plans off.

Hmmm, I do know things happen for a reason but I am still feeling down at this realisation. If ABS at least gave me a timeline of even next year I would at least know that delay is not denial. Anyway, Arrrrrrrrgh! God please help!!!

Customer Service Failure at Starcomms Plc

I am ashamed to say but I spent most of today being angry. Angry at the mediocrity we are often forced to deal with in this country of ours. Angry that as a customer, I am not valued even despite the fact that I am part of the reason why Starcomms Plc is in business. I was so mad till I decided the only thing that would make me feel better was to write to them and get an opportunity to vent out my utmost dissatisfaction with the poor service rendered to me and any subscriber suffering a similar plight.


October 9, 2009

Chief Executive Officer
Starcomms Plc
Plot 1261C, Bishop Kale Close,
Victoria Island,
Lagos




Attention: Management

Re: Customer Service Failure

I am an angry customer. I am angry because I feel I am being taken for granted and that Starcomms Plc is ripping me off my money’s worth. I feel that rather than partnering with its customers, Starcomms Plc is cheating its customers.

I run a small business and I subscribe to the 24/7 internet service provided by Starcomms Plc. Every month I make a conscious effort to pay my subscription rate on time to avoid being disconnected and every month I suffer the same plight.

Yesterday on the 8th of October 2009 I went into a GTB bank myself and paid in my subscription fee to avoid being disconnected on the following day. My service was disconnected at exactly 12 midnight of the 8th of October 2009 and it is now 2 pm of the following day and my internet connection is still not back up.

What I cannot understand is why an ISP like Starcomms, in this day and age cannot provide a seamless internet connection service for customers like me who want to ensure that they are connected 24/7 just like the name of the tariff plan suggests.

Today and every month because of Starcomms Plc, I cannot do business with my customers for at least two thirds of a day as I am usually reconnected in the afternoon of the following day. I do not understand this phenomenon so I ask;

Starcomms Plc, why must we be disconnected every month even though we try so hard to do everything we need to do to ensure we are not disconnected?

Starcomms Plc, why do you collect payment for a service that you cannot render? If we have exchanged money then I believe you owe me a service from the moment you receive my money. In the worst case even if you had not recognised the money I paid in yesterday on the day it was paid in, why am I not re-connected first thing in the morning of the following day i.e. by 8am today the 9th of October 2009?

Why do I always have to call in to Starcomms every month, harassing people I know who work there to speed up the reconnection of my Starcomms internet service? What would I do if I didn’t know people who could help me?

If I am billed based on a 31 day cycle why would you count a reconnection time of 3pm on a particular day as day 1 of my service? Especially since I had made payment on the previous day but due to your own service failures I am reconnected at 3pm on the following day. What happens to the lost hours between 12 midnight and 3pm where I had no service and yet Starcomms had received payment for those hours? If I pay for 31 days I should get 31 days, no more, no less.

I am frustrated and tired of your poor service and this is not the only problem I have had with your organization.

Two months ago I suffered a similar plight where I had to buy a new USB modem for the internet connection I currently have. I had problems with the USB on the day it was bought and proceeded to return it the next day. I was told that I could only return it at the Starcomms shop that it was bought at. I live in Ilupeju and I bought it at Lekki on a Saturday. I had to drive all the way to Lekki on a Sunday just to return it. That in itself is a shame for such a large firm with branches all over the country to request that refunds must be made at the same store of purchase.

On returning the USB modem to the shop, I was told by the customer service advisor that company policy would not allow them refund my money till somebody else had bought the same item as the cash received from the person would be used to give me a refund. As a result, I left the Starcomms shop with no service, no USB modem and no money. Starcomms a big firm, kept hold of N26,500.00 belonging to a small firm like mine on the basis of a company policy that makes no sense and shows low regard for the customer. I was called back 3 days later to pick up my refunded cash. During this time, Starcomms cared less about the fact that I would have no internet service for the period they held my cash.

In my entire life, I have never seen where customers are treated like beggars with no choice.

Starcomms Plc is taking its customers for granted, forgetting that your customers make you who you are today. You may get away with it in the short term but you will not get away with this in the long run. It is sad and appalling that in this day and age with everything we know about customer service that companies like Starcomms are cheating their customers.

What is even sadder is that with advancement of technology solutions, Starcomms cannot device a means of ensuring that the services of loyal paying customers like me are not disrupted every month.

Starcomms Plc, I want you to know that it is technically feasible to device a system that detects customers who have paid before their subscription fee expires so that they can enjoy a seamless transition to the next month without being constantly reminded that they are at your mercy. Please invest in the right systems and service your customers by giving them value for money not lost business and wasted time calling your office.

Starcomms’ role should be one of a business partner and not a business destroyer. Small businesses and entrepreneurs suffer enough in this country. Starcomms should not add to the plight of the small business owner or its customer base as a whole, whether businesses or individuals. We demand and deserve value for our money. Please speak our language!



Yours Sincerely,


Their response is below and was received after sending an email to ceo@starcomms.com, I guess they thought I was a guy. Note; no reference to a refund for loss time, business losses or grievance.

Dear Mr,

Please accept our sincere apologies for the delays you have experienced in your renewals. I would request that you let us have your data device number with the payment particulars including location of payment to help us facilitate your renewal.

Yes, we are aware of the issues with time delay in payments made by the bank and Starcomms has been working on resolving this issue and ensuring that customers do not have to be in agony on the delays experienced.

Starcomms has just soft launched not one but three different modes of online renewal process for its Retail Data Subscribers who can now pay from the comfort of their home or office and experience instant renewal of their desired subscription pack. The three different modes of online renewal are detailed below.

1. Through SMS from your Starcomms handset. This is by sending a pre-defined string as an SMS/ Text to 37938 from a Starcomms handset.

Package ID Package Name Value
241 1MTH PURPLE ALWAYS-REN 15,950
242 PURPLE 100 HOURS REN 6500
243 PURPLE 250 HOURS REN 15,000
244 1MTH PURPLE NIGHT REN 5,000
245 1MTH PURPLE BUSINESS REN 7,000
246 PURPLE 7-11 REN 1 MONTH 5,000

The string would be *Package ID*Data Device number*1234#.

For example for a renewal on an 1 month Purple Always Renewal plan you need to send the following SMS *243*07028962561*1234# to the number 37938.

1. The second and third mode of renewal are both through the web. You need to visit our website www.starcomms.com and register yourself and you could pay either using our recharge cards or an Interswitch card.

Regards



Sajan
Sajan R Suvarna

Deputy Director – Data & Retail Sales

Update...

Where do I even begin? It was hectic the week before but all is well that end’s well.

After thinking I had been eased out of the job. I started getting emails on that job I was told had been outsourced to an American firm. This time I was confused because the last meeting I had attended I was out of the deal.

So I tried to manage the situation by telling my subcontractor to tell the main contractor that I would not be working on the project since we had been told it had been outsourced. They wanted me to come for a meeting on Sunday and I was like hell no. Not another meeting especially when I have been told that my services were not required. By Monday still no clarity then the emails came in again. It looked to me that these people were not sure what they were doing so I opted to go and meet with them to come to an agreement as we were now 48 hours till the D-day and still no formal contract had been approved.

Well at about 10.30 pm we finally agreed on a budget and deliverables. The budget was halved, so I just believed I would have to work within it in the best way I could. I was able to hire 6 people to work with me on the project which was to manage a team building event for 250 people.

I thank God it ended well. My body ached all over and my feet screamed for tender loving care. Almost 2 weeks later and there is this dark tan mark formed around the areas of my body that were exposed to the sun. I literally spent over 15 hours in the sun as the sun was out by 8.30am and didn't do down till 6pm. Oooh, I want my complexion back.

Anyway, I am happy with that and it’s back to not knowing where the next deal will be coming from. The life!

O well, in all things we thank God, I continue to be grateful, each and everyday!

Talk, Talk...

I eventually had a bath about 6pm yesterday. Bill popped in as he was in the area. Once I had a bath I just had this urge to dress up and in another 20 minutes I was all dressed up and ready to roll.

My friend who invited me to the party is becoming a funny character. I tried his phone and it was switched off. So I sent a text and well bottom line is I didn’t go to his party which was good anyway as that is not really my scene but I just wanted to go out since I was dressed up. Then I returned a call from Kene as I was really in the mood to roll. He happened to be going out later at about 8.30, that would work.

So Bill came, I rushed dinner. He wanted to borrow my Troy DVD as I had told him that it had an extra CD that had a documentary on Greek mythology, describing the main Greek gods and a bit on their roles in the Trojan war. I love stuff like that so I went back upstairs to get him the DVD. On my way back down en route the living room upstairs I bumped into Dad, he just got back a few days ago. He's been with his wife in London for almost 2 months so I have been home alone. Anyway he hands me a duty free bag, with the usual, perfume. I get a lot of comments that I smell good, people tend to ask me what I am wearing, someone once said that every time I leave her office there’s just a long lingering sweet smell. Well it's courtesy of my Dad o. I don't think I ever run out or have to ever buy any perfume if I don't want to. He always comes back with a bottle. Courtesy of him I have worn perfumes I probably wouldn't have bought myself. My dad does have taste when it comes to stuff like that. I have been wearing 'Fancy' by Jessica Simpson and it's got such a sweeeeet smell, but this I think is more sophisticated. It's Eau de Parfum which is stronger than Eau de Toilette; ‘Absolutely Irresistible' by Givenchy. It has such a classy smell not my usual sweet, fruity stuff which is what I get when I have to request or buy perfume myself. My dear I love my Dad o, not because of times like this but because he takes care of me. I am not a child anymore but when you say someone is caring, that is my dad. He has his issues o and I won't even begin to go there but my dad will always ensure you always have a comfortable life. I say this because I speak to other people and I know what their fathers’ do and do not do for them. Getting money out of him is like squeezing blood out of stone. But he will give you a comfortable roof over your head, he will give you food, he will give you transport, he will make sure you are well dressed and that you are in good health. He does not joke with any of these areas... but 10 kobo you will not get from him. That's just his style.

Sometimes I actually wonder whether or not I have not been spoilt. I have been financially independent since I was 21. All the while in uni I never lived at home because I always schooled outside of London which was where we lived. When I left uni I moved out of home for while and then I moved back home. But when I moved back to Nigeria 7 years ago, I moved in with my Dad and I really don't think I can afford the level of comfort my dad provides me elsewhere especially with regards to security in this Lagos. I can count how many times I have slept outside my home. It's too much of a struggle. I have people come over all the time but to go over and sleep over is tough o.

Been planning to move to Abuja but I will just be moving to my dad's house there. Gosh, my dad has provided for his children, that is one thing no one can take away from him. I will never forget when I first moved back to Nigeria and needed some money and asked my dad to lend me 100k and he looked at me and asked me where he would get the money from…tee hee hee. My dad is something else. Both my parents are such frugal people. They just raised us to realise that money is to be worked for. In my house you borrow money and you pay back, you are not given money but you are given food, shelter, transport and clothing...

I met a guy a few days ago who said that his daughter cannot be 30 and live with him, in fact he went on to say that any woman who is unmarried and 30 has failed....I chuckled. I chuckled because over time I have realised that life is not so black and white, there are grey areas. I know my dad is seriously praying that a good man will come and marry me but I know he is happier that I am here while I am unmarried than out living on my own. Rest assured, I shall be here till I decide I want to leave or I marry. I am like my parents; I do not spend unnecessary money. Paying for rent that is not necessary. I am not under lock and key and my folks are more than enlightened so they do not cramp my style in anyway. Anything I cannot do when they are here, I don't want to be doing anyway.

Anyway we ended up at a show, some guy called ‘Jaiye’ playing an electric guitar with his band. It wasn’t bad at all. I had one shot of Baileys Irish cream for the road, funny that the last time I had that it was with the same person. Night ended on a good high note. Kene’s car has been in the workshop for a month now so I dropped him off at home. His sister comes out to open the gate just as we are outside. Really funny cos me and her supposed to be going out later this afternoon. Yep, I met his sister through him and we became friends so we hang out every now and then. So she’s kinda surprised to see me as we have planned to see the next day i.e. today and I tell her I came to drop her brother off. I can imagine what she’s thinking…


Ok enough said, I need to do at least 45 minutes on this elliptical today before I go out, not sure what to do as per where I will be going this afternoon with ken’s sister and her friend, I think we will just go to some lounge. Ok I need to get dressed.

Life is stranger than fiction and I will tell you why soon…

Rain, Rain Go Away...

It’s raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring...

I was woken up by a phone call this morning. A new friend called me. I met him last week when I broke the USB for my internet connection. He was referred to me by another friend I had made at the Starcomms office the week before.

Everywhere I find myself I try to make friends because the people you know often make life easier, especially in Nigeria. I cannot imagine what my day at Starcomms would have been like if I didn't know anyone there. If there is one thing I don't like doing, it is waiting. I can be very impatient. I don’t like to wait on queues especially when they are a result of a poor system. Anyway, I ended up not waiting and they fixed my usb in a few minutes for free. All this is because I made a friend the week before when I went to buy the usb. And as I left there I was making another friend with the guy who helped me fix it. I gave him my card and number and I took his number. He gladly told me to come and have it fixed anytime I had a problem.

Well, this week, I had a problem again when I paid for the internet subscription,so I called him again and I also called my previous contact there. They were both very helpful and the matter was resolved. Since then we have been talking quite a bit on the phone. So far, I think he is a smart guy and I don’t meet a lot of people who are versed in different subject matters, so that has really intrigued me and kept the conversations going. The other day he gave me an interesting analogy on how sometimes we need to look beyond the goal and focus on the process. I.e. often the process builds character and there are lessons learnt in the actual journey. For example if one focused on money without focusing on the means to make the money, you will find that character will not be built and the person does not really learn much because they never appreciated the process of achieving a goal. Anyway, I have thought about what he said and it did make a lot of sense to me so I am saving that piece of insight and pondering on it.

Yesterday I went to see my former colleagues in my 2 last jobs. I went to both offices. I needed to use a printer for a proposal I was submitting yesterday so I was able to get it printed and generally just chit chat with my friends at the same time.

I ended hanging out with my buddy, same one from last Friday, he was a former colleague from my previous job. We tried to see a movie but there wasn't anything good out there and the good stuff we had seen already. Also the timing was a bit late for me as the next movies were like 10pm,so I just chilled with him. We ended up going to a supermarket and buying bread, butter, crisp, mayonaise and ribena and just ate it at his house. He said he had tasted some bread and mayonaise in the morning and had been craving it ever since. The butter was for me I wasn't with him on the mayo thing. Not bad for a Friday night I guess.

We talked about different things, life, love, work etc. I have this belief that people who are very good in one area of their life often lack in the other. Let me explain. We were talking about star performers at work and colleagues that are really good at their jobs. I believe that apart form the passion you exhibit at work, the time you dedicate to your job determines what is important to you and if you are spending 12- 18 hours at work everyday then it seems like that is your focus and other areas of your life will suffer.

For example, I have a fantastic doctor; I have never met anyone like him before. In fact at one point I started thinking wow this guy is not bad at all. He may be in his 50s I guess. He is divorced with children. Every time I have a consultation he has something extra to offer me. Sometimes counselling, sometimes something he printed off the internet. He really takes time to explain things to me and answer all my questions. After the consultation he sees me off downstairs. And no it's not special treatment for me. He gives out his personal phone number to his clients so his phone is buzzing with their calls. In my opinion he is a wonderful doctor. I interpret his behaviour on the job to one of a very caring doctor. It makes me think of him as a very caring person too but am I right?

One day I asked him a direct question about getting back together with his wife because he said they maintained a cordial relationship. He replied that they couldn’t ever get back together because the reason why they split up is still there...work. In fact my guess is that he was a lousy husband. I put myself in his wife's shoes and realised that if I were married to him, I’d hardly see him, he's always be at work, when he wasn't at work his phone would be always buzzing with patient calls. He loves his work a lot and he is at what he does. In fact it would be very easy to misinterpret his work behaviour as who he was as a person. To his patients he is loving and caring but to his wife he was the opposite. What I am trying to say is sometimes I think when it’s great on one side then on another side it’s not so great. Passion doing something is one thing but time spent doing that thing is another. The place we invest our time is really where the heart and mind is. And we can’t be in more than one place at the same time so if we are at work till late most of the time then we cannot be with friends or family at the same time, unless you work for Google perhaps. I have fancied a guy who was great at work, he worked long hours and spent 7 days a week working but he was so detached with his emotions outside work. But if you judged him based on his behaviour at work, he was a great guy, but that was were his loving and feeling behaviour ended…at work. Passion at work is a wonderful thing,don't misunderstand me but long hours invested at work is a sure sign of other areas lacking in attention given. So what do you spend most of your time doing?

Today, I am not sure what I am doing. I am supposed to meet with a friend of mine to discuss some training we want to organise before the year runs out. My yesterday’s meeting with the client’s client didn’t go so great, it appears that they have outsourced the team building component of the conference to an American firm. So it appears that the work I was supposed to do is being handled by another firm and they just want me to help organise the people and logistics and materials required for the workshops. Hmmm, I will have to pass because that is not what I do, besides they can get someone in their team to do that for them and not have to pay them a dime. Unless they tell me something different from what I heard at yesterday’s meeting, it appears there isn’t really much for me to do anymore. So well, I guess yesterday’s proposal is what I will be praying about now…

It’s stopped raining. O yes, I remember I was invited to a party at 4pm today. Hmmm it supposed to be some ceremony of some sort of some big shot person but those kind of parties are really not my thing. I am not sure I will go, I rather just stay in good company and gist or even laze around.

GI Joe

This was the movie I ended up seeing with my friend last week. I hadn’t been to the movies on a Friday night for a long time, so I was shocked at the number of people there and the queue was long. I was asking myself why I hadn’t bought the tickets earlier since I had been waiting at Silverbird for a while.

And guess what, we got in a few minutes after the movie had started and we had to sit right at the front. Well, from experience of a few movies like X-men where I have sat at the front row, I know that after a few minutes your eyes kinda adjust to the screen and you stop realizing you are on the front row.

This movie comes highly recommended. I love action packed special effects type movies and this has a good plot and a lot of humour. For me it was good entertainment. The movie is really about an elite military group known as GI Joe saving the world I guess from bad guys who want to take control of the world. I also liked watching the different sub plots showing the history of the characters. It gave us an insight to their perspectives and histories which helped us understand their motives.

It explored emotional reactions to negative events. E.g how some people end up saying or doing nothing when something terrible happens to someone close to them. The usual excuse is that we don’t know what to say and then days pass and then months and we end up saying nothing and not contacting the affected person.

I have been on both ends of such matters. There was a time I lost a close enough uncle. I say close enough because I come from a very nuclear family. We have never really been brought up or been close with our extended families. I only ever knew one grandmother and that was my mother’s mum and although I have loads of cousins on both sides of my family, I can categorically say I was brought up knowing one set of cousins through out my life. Yes I had met a lot of my other cousins but we still are not close. The kids of the uncle who passed away are about the 2nd set of cousins I can say I know and had spent time with growing up. Although it’s always been off and on over the years. Anyway, they lost their dad, my uncle and it was a shock. I have this thing about attending burials especially once they are outside Lagos. I do not like to attend burials, worse so travel to attend them. To cut the long story short, I did not attend the burial, nor call my cousin’s about their loss. I felt the loss, We talked about it at home but I just kept asking myself what exactly would I say to them and one day led to several days and then months and time just flew and it didn’t happen, I never called. Then after a while I forgot about it.

Anyway, I think about a year later there was a tragedy in my family. Something happened that affected the family badly. For days I wasn’t picking up my phone and well somehow when the worst of it was over, I thought about every single person who called or sent a text. I remembered every single person that tried to make contact or sent a text about what happened… and I genuinely appreciated their concern. The whole occurrence made me see things differently. It gave me empathy. I was able to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, something I cannot say I am best at doing.

It made me realize no matter what the case is, even if you don’t know what to say or think the person would rather be alone during that period, it doesn’t cost you anything to call them and say ‘ I don’t know what to say’. I now see that it is important to call first and if they do not pick up the phone then send a text. But everyone I believe appreciates contact. Today I am convinced that the best way to express how much you care or your concern is to give them a call and some words of support. Saying nothing says just that…nothing! It also gives the impression that you do not care even when you actually do. This is one situation where the thought does not count.

O well, today, was just regular; I went to drop off receipted expenses at a client's office. Then I went to my last job to see my former colleagues. Then I came home and here I am.

I did 45 minutes on my elliptical today; I am thinking I will do it again first thing in the morning whenever I wake up. Tomorrow I plan to see a movie with Yemi, my friend who came in from America.

Oh yes before I forget a strange thing happened today. There was a guy I met a month ago. He was calling me during the time I was on vacation, with regards to some work he wanted me to do for him. Anyway, when I got back we arranged to meet to discuss his project. At the meeting I noticed he didn’t make eye contact and then left in a hush as he said he had another meeting. So I don’t hear from him for like 2 weeks and I send him a text to say hope all was well as he left in a hush. Well he calls back to say he was really busy and will get back to me.

O well, 2 days ago he calls me and asks if I am on messenger. Bottom line is we start chatting and he starts asking personal questions and I answer all. I am intrigued by this new found interest but I take it in good faith. He says he wants to get to know me better whereas all I am thinking is when can we discuss revenue generating business. Yesterday he calls again and then we chat and he wants to take me out for lunch. We end the conversation with no firm conclusion. Today he calls in the morning and then I go online and he is asking where we can do lunch today. Quite frankly I was a bit disappointed that the conversations had changed focus from business to I don’t know what. I am beginning to get suspicious so I tell him that my client’s have priority on week days as I see that his invitation is just for a chit chat on a Monday.

Then he starts to say that he has something to say to me, something he had been gathering his thoughts about. In a nutshell, he would like to have a closer relationship with me. Well I respond that I am flattered and then ask whether he was married and his response was yes. So I say I don’t date married men and that I hope he understands and he replies by saying he is trying to understand. He then responds that rather than lose out on me altogether he will want to spend time with me. Hmmmmmmmmm at this point I switch off.

My dear I have my own issues as it is and to think of juggling a married man and his family on my conscience is not what I want or need right now. The funny thing is that 2 days ago he thought I was married so I don’t know whether it was the revelation that I was single that prompted the come on or if it didn’t really matter. O well, I have told him I hope this does not affect our future business partnerships if any. The truth is, it was quite disappointing for me to be asked out by a married man. I mean it's a free world and people fancy other people but right now especially the way it all started out as a business opportunity is what is disappointing. The fact that potential revenues are lost due to a shift in focus of a potential client.

For the last 2 days I have been listening to love songs and I think I just want to bask in the euphoria of that kind of love and not think about the different types of emotional entanglements that exist. The ones that we choose and the ones that choose us.

Life is too short. Kenny Lattimore please sing for me!

Home again

I am back from Kaduna and I thank God. I do not think I will be travelling for a while as I do not have any planned trips.

I took the morning flight yesterday. It was delayed for 2 hours because of the bad weather. It rained, thundered and lightened. Got to Kaduna at about 1pm, found a decent enough hotel to stay in and checked out this morning. Finshed my class a little later than planned and dashed ot the airport just on time for the last flight back to Lagos.

So far, it feels good to be home. I was just gone for one night and I was missing my bed. I have issues o. Anyway, worked out for an hour on my new machine so I am happy about that.

Tomorrow is Monday and I have no solid plans. Isn't this weird? I will go and drop my expense receipts for today's work with the client.

A friend from America is in town so we could hook up. Actually I am thinking the movies. Hmmmm, that could work.

For You...

Where do people think up lyrics like these? Gosh I was just listening to an album given to me like almost 10 years ago, one of those wedding CDs. Everytime I play this song I have to have it on repeat. I cannot get enough of it. If love can truly be like this wouldn't we all be in pure bliss?


For you- Kenny Lattimore

For you I’d give a lifetime of stability, anything you want of me, nothing is
impossible
For you there are no words or ways to show my love or all the thoughts
I'm thinking of
'Cause this life is no good alone since we've become one I've made a
change
Everything I do now makes sense, all roads end, all I do is for you

For you I share the cup of love that overflows and anyone who knows us
knows that I would change all faults I have
For you there is no low or high or in between of my heart that you
haven't seen
'Cause I share all I have and am, nothing I've said is hard to understand
And all I feel I feel deeper still and always will all this love is for you

Every note that I play, every word I might say, every melody I feel
Are only for you and your appeal
Every page that I write, everyday of my life would not be filled without
the things
That my love for you now brings

For you I'd make a promise of fidelity, now and for eternity
No one could replace this vow
For you I'd take your hand and heart and everything and add to them a
wedding ring
'Cause this life is no good alone, since we've become one you're all I know
And if this feeling should leave I'd die and here's why
All I am is for you

Everything I do now makes sense, all roads end and all I do...
Is for you
Only for you

I Choose Love

5 years ago, I found this poem in a forwarded email. It moved me so much that I printed it out and stuck it on my wall as a reminder. A reminder about everyday life and it's choices. A reminder that I can choose how I react to life's challenges.


Each Day I Choose - By Max Lucado

It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.

In a few moments, the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.

For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose.

I CHOOSE LOVE…

No occasion justifies hatred;
no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love.
Today I will love God and what God loves.

I CHOOSE JOY…

I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.
I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…
the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see
people as anything less than human beings,
created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as
anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I CHOOSE PEACE…

I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE…

I will overlook the inconveniences of the world.
Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll
invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the
wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment
to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new
assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS…

I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.
I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to
the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS…

I will go without a dollar
before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked
before I will boast. I will confess before I will
accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS…

Today I will keep my promises.
My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates
will not question my word. My wife will not
question my love. And my children will never fear
that their father will not come home.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS…

Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.
If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise.
If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer.
If I make a demand, may it only be of myself.

I am a spiritual being…
After this body is dead, my spirit will soar.
I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal.
I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy.
I will be impassioned only by my faith.
I will be influenced only by God.
I will be taught only by Christ.
I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
To these I commit my day.
If I succeed, I will give thanks.
If I fail, I will seek His grace.
And then, when this day is done,
I will place my head on my pillow
and rest.

Max Lucado quote is from his book When God Whispers Your Name.

Ramblings...

I really don’t know why I have not been feeling this Kaduna trip. Today I finally went to buy the elliptical machine. So rest assured I have no excuse not to exercise anymore. I am happy that I can work on that aspect cos I have been wondering how to go about exercising again. I used to go in the mornings before work when I worked on the island. It made sense considering how early I had to go to work but in the last 4 months I have not done any exercise whatsoever unless u count the small roaming around I did when I was on holiday.

It is looking like I would have to leave tomorrow morning as there is only one flight to Kaduna and my session is at 8.30am in the morning. So I hope I can wrap it up by 11am to catch the 12 noon flight back to Lagos on Sunday. My dear what can I do o, I now work on Sundays.

Yesterday was good. I got a call from a potential client and we met about some work we may do together at the end of this month. Later at night I got another call from my first client who says he is ready now to proceed so I may actually meet my target revenue for this year, yay!

Friendship is a strange thing. I don’t know why some friendships come with so much drama. If for over months you have kept me out of your life and not wanted me part of it why send me a text telling me ‘ wanted to lay the groundwork, will send you invitation to my wedding. Hope you will come. Life is too short to be bitter. We might not be that close but I still consider you a friend. Take care my dear and have a nice weekend’. Sometimes in our bid to be polite I guess we do and say unnecessary things. If I don’t want to friends with you I definitely will not be inviting you to my wedding. I will not want to see any face that I haven’t wanted to see n the last 6 months. Bitter about what? Well, I cannot really say I understand half of it but I guess we learn as we go. Women and their wahala o. I congratulated her and told her I won’t be coming. The truth is that I didn’t see the point of the text. I don’t know how to pretend and that text as far as I am concerned was not a genuine invitation. I saved her the trouble. I go to weddings to rejoice with people not because I was invited because someone was being polite. I wish everyone well but I know that when people are doing the wrong thing they usually want to do it privately.

I am currently waiting at Silverbird for my friend. This was not planned but life is too short for sadness or misery. I would rather be spending the evening with someone more than a friend but I thank God for friends that I have. I just wonder what I would do without these friends of mine. So we are seeing a movie when he gets here. It gives me a chance to be in company that wants to be in my company. Also to save on diesel cos I am sure there will be no light when I get home. This light situation is really sad.

Anyway, it is well, what a week…

Yesterday...

So yesterday was unpredictable. I got a request for a proposal to do some training for a bank and I got a call from the people I sent the proposal of 2 days ago to. Their client had called for a site visit and they wanted me to attend as a member of their team. Of course I know how these things work when you are being subcontracted by a contractor. You try very hard to make the whole transaction appear seamless so that you all appear as one team. So I attended as the team building expert. Anyway, I ended up with them till 8.30pm. What a long day?

I need to finish up some deliverables assigned to me from that meeting. When it comes to invoicing clients I am learning everyday. Never do any work for free. No one appreciates free work. Always collect an upfront fee or do not engage. The fee paid upfront shows the client's commitment to the project. Once they pay you, they are after you. If they do not pay you an upfront fee, you find out that you are the one doing the chasing.

My fees seem to need revision again. I think for every proposal I have written I have kept revising them. I guess it's part of learning.

The pipeline is looking good. I am in kaduna this weekend for some work. Somehow I just feel like relaxing for a change. I want a weekend to myself , where I do not have to go anywhere. Well I shouldn't complain as I have had week days to myself:-). Anyway, such is life. We want what we don't have.

I am still asking myself, why do people go to a job when they can earn a living without going to a particular place every morning. I am seeing work without a Plan B as a sophisticated form of slavery. If you are working as an apprentice then I guess it's fine cos you have to learn the trade before you launch out.

It's strange though as I feel I am missing something. A team. Yesterday, I was talking to my friend about what feels different about working now and I said it was that sense of belonging to a team. Right now it seems I am just doing things for myself and I kinda miss doing it for a team.

So it's now obvious that group inclusion is important to me, so the question is I guess I have to form my own team as opposed to joining someone else's?

Let me think about this one...

And something did come up...

I keep saying the most exciting thing about everyday is not knowing what will happen that day. Half the things and people I saw yesterday where not what I had planned or envisaged.

On my way to the bank I got a call for a brief. I headed to the meeting and was told they required a proposal first thing this morning. So as it is I have not slept since yesterday. I worked till the early hours of the morning, set my alarm for 7 am but I couldn't sleep even for an hour for fear of not hearing the alarm. Sometimes these things happen when you are in deep sleep. I could not risk it.

So I sent of the proposal this morning and I have been home all day, awaiting feedback.

Today must be ex boyfriends' day. I had an interesting conversation with Kunle (university boyfriend) still on this subject of me and my work. I told him that I preferred being a free lancer than growing a business. In his own words he said he was disappointed as he he knew I could do better.

Now, what's with this better thing, is owning your own business the ultimate goal for all? Like I tried to explain, I just don't seem to have the zeal to run a firm. I have always preferred consulting for other businesses not running my own. I think I don't like being responsible for anyone but myself. That may be the real issue. Maybe the same reason why family life is scary:-)

Now I feel confused. When I say I want to be in governement I get weird looks. People think I am crazy, they wonder whether anyone can really aspire to be in such.

For me it's the thought of doing something for the masses. I guess I really need to sort this thing out o. Because no one wants to hear that I don't want to grow my firm.

I just feel like I should be somewhere else and where it is I really do not know. I know what I will do...I need partners to work with.

Anyway, My post University boyfriend found me on facebook today. It was interesting to speak to him, he doesn't seem to have changed much at all.

I really need to get back into exercising. I think this is the longest period that I have not exercised in years... and I can feel it.

Yesterday I also went to see my ex ex boss, not the last one but the one before. They were in a meeting, it just reminded me of all those meeting we used to have then. I really miss them :(, the people not the meeting, well a little bit of both

That was one place that really entered the depths of my soul, so much love... I don't know whether it was real or I imagined it but I am too emotionally attached to that firm. I need prayers. I just realised I may have an obsessive personality or is it addictive personality. I will justify it when I have investigated further.

In my mind's eye right now

I have decided to start my doctorate program in October via a distance learning program. I chose the topic earlier in the year when I made my application to a different school but didn’t pursue it because it required me to do a complete MSc program before embarking on the doctorate program. I don’t need 2 Msc’s thanks but no thanks.

So the topic I have picked is ‘the impact of hr practices on employee commitment;’ what do you think? My dear I don’t even know any more.

Anyway, the first 2 years is taught and theoretical so I am almost certain I will have changed the topic by the time i am ready for the research bit.

This week is looking like it will be laid back one. Nothing concrete in the pipeline but like I always say I’m still excited because something wonderful always comes up. I wonder what it will be this week. hmmmmm

I have just been invited swimming in Ikoyi club by my friend Steve. Steve and I have been swimming in before. In fact about a year ago he was supposedly teaching me how to swim, I say supposedly because he appeared to have other motives then. But then he was single and now he is married. I am wondering why it seems so awkward right now to accept this invitation to swim. Swimming is such a contact sport don’t you think? I am laughing here. Am I being over analytical here? We have been friends for years and he is by no means a temptation to me and if I am to him well that is his business. These are some of the reasons why I say it’s a man’s world. I don’t think the average married woman would think to invite her single male friend swimming in a club. Maybe I am just being naïve or clueless.


Now if I turn down this invitation, Steve will say I am giving a silly reason afterall we are friends and he is married now not that he developed leprosy. Anyway, it’s a man’s world. It’s becoming more obvious that I am a 17th century girl in a 21st century world!

I am trying really hard to be more flexible as a person and not be rigid blah di dah, without compromising principles, so my dear, I am going swimming o. Bye!

This love

One day I will write the story of this love
But it’s a long long story
I will write it when I know the end
Then the story will be told from beginning to end


It’s a long long story
One of so much joy and so much pain
One day I will write the story of this love
But it’s a long long story

The Journey So Far…

I said nothing in July, not because there was nothing to say but I was more in the air than on ground. I took the vacation I had been dying to go on. It lasted 5 weeks and was quite different from the usual vacations. I didn’t want to stay too long in any one destination but I did in one. I was in London for 2 weeks when it dawned on me that life was too short. I was calculating how much it was going to cost me to travel to different destinations and any traveler knows that if you want to see money deplete at its fastest rate… try travelling. Airfare and accommodation charges are big spenders. So I dilly dallied, till I knew I had overstayed my welcome in London and a friend told me about the death of his friend. I thought to myself ‘and I am here calculating how much when I really don’t know what tomorrow holds’. So I threw caution to the wind believing that money is indeed for spending and having faith that God will provide when I return to Nigeria from my gallivanting.

So I booked my ticket to America. I played around with the schedules on the internet and was able to get the same price if I went through Canada. I seized the opportunity of going to a new place and visit a high school friend who moved there a few years back. From Toronto I went to Maryland from Maryland to Houston from Houston back to Maryland and then back to Canada through Montreal till I was back in good ol’London before the last and final leg back to Lagos.

This trip was different because I visited friends and stayed over for a change. I love hotels and my privacy but this time I decided to be a guest making my trips as short as possible. There’s a saying that goes ‘you are only a guests for 2 nights and on the 3rd night you are an intruder’. I am a firm believer in that saying.

For the first time I stayed over with 6 different families; 5 married and 1 a single parent. My conclusion of my experiences are as follows;

• It pays to marry your friend and remain friends during marriage
• Before you marry, manage your expectations by asking someone who you are certain will tell you the truth about the trials and tribulations of marriage
• It’s a man’s world
• Every child deserves a loving father and mother

I believe in love and I believe in a good marriage. Above all I believe in the pursuit of happiness always. I also believe in the options of friendship, partnerships and divorce when all else fails. I believe that marriage is optional and is not the right choice for everyone. With all my heart, I have an uncanny belief that I am a very special person. If I do get married, it can only be to a very special person, at the right time and for the right reasons. If these conditions are not met, I choose not to marry as I know my strengths and limitations. A lot of life is a choice, the only thing we have no choice on is death.

I believe where possible children should be raised by a loving father and mother. Single parenthood is tough and children I believe thrive better with both parents. There are some things that by and large a man can do effortlessly and there are some things that only a woman can provide naturally. From what I have seen, there is a kind of balance created by both parents in a child's life, where one parent is weak, the other parent will pull the other one up. Jointly, they love and train the child in the way the child should go. However, life is not black and white, single parenthood is not usually planned but with God single parent's have the grace to make the best out of the situation. I also believe that a single loving parent is always better than unloving or abusive parents.

We often hear that what we don’t know cannot kill us but in marriage I think what you don’t know can kill you or kill your spirit. Expectations need to be managed well. Disappointment stems from mismanaged expectations. Hollywood will not show you the reality bites, they can only show you a sneak preview.

To love is to sacrifice but to lose ourselves in it, our very essence, our very purpose is suicidal. I pray none of us finds ourselves in that situation.

I came back refreshed , recharged and ready to work. For the last 3 weeks I have been on what appears to be a road show, delivering leadership training to branch managers for a particular bank. I travelled a lot again; visiting Abuja a regular destination for me and Owerri that I hadn't been since high school. The experience was challenging and liberating. I learnt a lot about other people and I learnt more about myself. As I taught on leadership competencies, I was learning every bit of the way. Learning is a wonderful experience, one I cherish always. I have learnt that you are as strong as your network, who you know. I appreciate the experience of working with most of the branch managers in 2 different banks now. I would do this if I wasn’t paid a dime. It is the people I know that have brought me this far… my God and His people.

This week has been more introspective. Chasing around unpaid invoices… the life of an entrepreneur.

I have been running away from this life. I keep saying that it is not my plan to be a CEO of a firm but I have found myself there (a one man firm for now). It was not my plan to expand this business, I saw my consulting skills as something I would work on the side while I built a profile. I see myself in the building phase of my career, I am building a profile. I want to focus on developing myself as a brand. I want to have good references on my resume. I want to be an undisputed authority and influence in my field. If that means more work experience elsewhere I will go for the opportunity if it aligns with building my profile. I will not take on anything that is not aligned with building this profile.

So as it stands, I won’t hinder the entrepreneurship that has begun, I will let it be as I have no choice but to work at it as it’s my current source of income. I will not plan with what is not but rather I will cease the day and allow the spirit lead. I am not actively seeking employment; I am simply seeking alignment with purpose. I will take on any opportunity that is in alignment with purpose be it another job or expanding this business. The amazing thing is I am not scared of developing the business I just don’t feel like or want to right now. I am sure I sound like a weirdo right now.

I read in Kiyosaki’s book titled ‘Before you quit your job’, that if you are scared of being broke you cannot be an entrepreneur. It’s weird as there was a time I used to say I liked being broke ‘cause at least I knew I had nothing. Based on some of the things I have said, God has been really merciful. God has been good to me and I cannot lie about that. In the past, I have earned more than I have right now but I am far from starving. I have not actively chased work yet but work has been referred to me. I don’t want to be broke trust me but I am not scared of it because I know that He will not let it come to that. He is indeed faithful.

Friends say I should grow the business; dad wants something more conservative like a job, for crying out loud I am his first daughter, I cannot blame him. But I like freedom too much I don’t know where it comes from but that spirit burns within me.

Anyway in such matters, we leave it to God to be the ultimate judge. May His perfect will be done always.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

I didn’t think I’d laugh so much. I knew the story line was clichéd and Matthew McConaughey who played the main character 'Connor Mead' was type cast, but it was a good laugh. In a nutshell, the story is about the ultimate playboy; doesn’t believe in love and thinks marriage is for the weak and insecure. At the end of the movie we see a redeemed man, a man who confronts his fears and insecurities and finally accepts the liberation that love can give to those who believe and give it freely.

The plot is built around the famous Charles Dickens book ‘A Christmas Carol’ where the main character Scrooge who didn’t believe in Christmas has a life changing experience on Christmas eve. He is visited by 3 ghosts; the ghosts of Christmas past, Christmas present and Christmas future. They take him on a tour of his life scrutinizing his past, present and future letting him see firsthand the consequences of continuing in his disregard for the spirit of Christmas; the love and giving it spreads to all who believe.

In this movie, it’s the eve to Connor’s brother’s wedding. Connor is taken through a similar tour of his life; past, present and future. Exploring the life he has lived by excavating memories from his girlfriends from the past, examining the women in his present and showing him a glimpse of a gloomy future if he continues his current behavior.

It’s amazing how things from our past cause dents in our lives and we consciously or subconsciously shut them off to protect us from getting hurt. We find out that Connor’s beliefs and resulting behavior are deep rooted in events of his past; his parent’s death at an early age which led to him being raised by his uncle, a celebrated womanizer; an epitome of playboy and Don Juan put together. When Connor is heartbroken as a teen he seeks solace in his uncle who mentors him in the art of seduction, feeding him with tactics on retaining power and selfish pleasure in the game of love.

There was an interesting quote in the movie, something like ‘the person who loves less has more power in a relationship’. It made a lot of sense when we think about unrequited love and the pain that it can cause the lover on the receiving end. The quest for power turns a relationship into a game of manipulation and desire to conquer. It takes the fun, lightness, laughter and joy out of it. However, the ending of the movie was apt as we are made to see that in love, it’s not about power, or who has power, it’s about the more loving, the one who can love regardless, the one who chooses love above all else.

It was a good chick flick. Saw it with two of my girls; we had a lot of fun watching it and of course the usual commentary. I am not sure how the guy’s would have appreciated the movie i.e. what angle they would have seen it from. For me, it was funny and that’s entertainment. It had a Hollywood fantasy ending where things always work out in the end and that I agree is what we should always believe.

If I learned one thing about this movie, it echoes the words of my friend Mezie ‘na when person wake up be im morning’ i.e. whatever time a person wakes up is their morning. People can and do change but they do so at their own time. All efforts to change the person earlier may fail but at the appointed time change will occur and all the time and effort that appeared to have been in vain will come full circle. No knowledge or experience is ever lost.

The Illusionist

I love happy endings. It makes everything worth it. All the tears, all the sadness, it takes it all away in one swoop. If there ever was a ‘feel good at the very end’ movie then this must be it. What appeared to be a simple love story had a fantastic twist at the end and a wonderful climax and ending. this movie comes highly recommended.

The movie is about an illusionist, a step up from your stage magician. His power lay in his ability to captivate the minds of his audience to a point of intrigue. At best they were left puzzled, at worst they were disillusioned beyond redemption. But it's a story about love; a love that was found and then lost and then found again and never to be lost again.

Life itself can be an illusion. Now you see it, now you don’t. Perhaps if we ask ourselves the question ‘will it matter in 5 years time?,’ today may appear an even greater illusion. Why worry over things that just don’t matter in the end. What’s all the fuss about? When push comes to shove, what really matters? I’d give it a shot. I’d say love, peace and happiness.

When all is said and done,some things will always matter. To love and be loved, to do so in peace and lastly to be happy. Nothing beats happiness. To be happy regardless… it seems to me a vision statement of some sort as it is something we continue to aspire to but can’t really perfect.

Mutual love is a powerful thing. If 2 parties can agree in love they can move mountains. The passion that burns in them both can achieve anything. Unrequited love is a pain. It’s like pouring water into a basket. It builds on nothing.

I believe in magic, the magic and the power of love. The fire it ignites, the passion it exhumes. The kind of love that electrifies, the titillating kind, unfortunately the fleeting kind…

25 Random Things About Moi

1. I constantly thirst for knowledge. I get excited when I think of what I will learn from anything I am about to read.
2. I love plantain anyway you serve it…fried, roasted, plantain chips, boiled…yummy!
3. I don’t know how to lie
4. I think bow legs are sexy on men
5. I feel very bad when I disobey God’s commandments
6. The thought of sex excites me. The act of sex scares me
7. Pregnancy is even scarier
8. I believe my purpose is strongly tied to making Nigeria a better place
9. When I was a kid I loved bath time so much. I would have baths with everyone again.
10. I have had a job I looked forward to going to every morning
11. My lips are soft and succulent, so are my hips
12. I have had 2 bosses who would hire me again
13. I have been to Rome 3 times but I am saving Paris for him
14. I am a good kisser
15. My dream man is smarter than me, has a strong sense of purpose and direction, makes me laugh and loves me silly (mentally and physically)
16. I ask a lot of questions, I always want to know ‘why’
17. When I am home, I dream of going away. When I am away, I dream of going home.
18. I sleep naked
19. I talk more when I am nervous or if a man I like is trying to kiss me
20. I cherish my freedom and my right to make choices. I will stand up against any attempt to take these things away from me.
21. I would really love to travel the world
22. I make a conscious effort to treat people fairly
23. I dare to be different. When everyone is going right, I will be the one you see going left:-)
24. If I am not talking, something is wrong
25. If you capture my mind, you have captured my heart.

The Forehead Kiss...

I’ve been kissed twice on my forehead. The first time was by my Ghanaian lesson teacher after my last lesson for the holiday before I went back to school. I must have been 13 then. I escorted him to the get a taxi home and before we parted he kissed me on the forehead, I think I must have walked home in a daze not knowing what to think of it. I can’t even remember his name but he was a really slim, really dark skinned man with a snoop dog grin and a very long pinkie finger nail. I couldn’t understand why he kept that finger nail so long. It gave him this weird look. I had always had a math phobia so my parents thought I needed extra lessons. He thought me math for that holiday. Yes I remember it was the beginning of form three the year we take the junior secondary exams. Well that was the first time I was kissed on my forehead.

The second time was yesterday (sic Tuesday). Yesterday just as I was about to get into my car after a night out with Kene. I don’t know whether or not it was the three shots of baileys that gave me the giggles but it sure did feel good. For a split second, I closed my eyes and I felt it tingle from my head to tiny toe. It sure did feel good. It just felt safe.

Let me tell you the implications of that first kiss on my forehead. I remember parts of it vividly. When I went back to school that term, I worked very hard. I wanted to impress my lesson teacher after all the effort we had put in that holiday. Although I couldn’t really articulate my feelings at the time. It’s since dawned on me that I was experiencing a peculiar crush. I don’t know how exactly I interpreted the kiss on the forehead but all of a sudden I was being very diligent about my math. I was working very hard at it and I wanted to impress someone. I did better that term. For the first time my math grades were up from a measly 49% to 69% and so I wrote him a letter. A light enough letter thanking him for his help and the obvious positive results it yielded. The good old letter writing days. A few weeks later his reply came in the post. I was ecstatic. I got a letter! I didn’t get many in those days, I guess I didn’t write many either. I opened it with great enthusiasm. I was smiling as I read through it and I was still smiling till I got to a certain paragraph. Now I can’t remember the exact words but he was saying something about liking me as a person but that he thought I needed to lose some weight. The next sentence went something like…’it is not like I cannot cope with obesity, it’s just that…’ I think I tore up the letter, yes I remember I was so upset that I tore it to pieces and decided to forget about him. It’s funny now but I think I did. I had heard a lot of words to describe me; baby fat, cute, chubby, aje butter, fatty bum bum, obrokoto Nigerian foot ball, Nigerian banana, Fatima but I just hadn’t heard it like that. . It was the first time I had actually seen or heard the word obesity making reference to me. As a young teenager I think the words were just too heavy (no pun intended) for me to deal with. That was my first recorded occurrence of a rejection from a male based on my weight.

The weight never left me, or should I say I never left the weight. Somehow we learned to live amicably. I can see that slim is in but I have never been slim. Today, I look at myself honestly and I think sexy gal. I look at myself in the mirror and I think cute! Something weird has happened; more and more I feel beautiful. Sometimes I think its down to experience and age. I feel as you get older you lose your shame. You get comfortable with being you; well if you don’t feel comfortable, I feel you should, life is too short. I just want to be comfortable in whatever I wear and however I look. I am told I dress well so at least I am sure I don’t look frumpy. Countless times I have been told I am pretty. A fine girl is a fine girl o. When I look in the mirror that’s what I see now, sexy gal!

I thought we were on the subject of the kiss on the forehead. I have read it’s also known as the motherly/fatherly kiss. The kind you get from someone who cares for you but not in the romantic sense. Ehm…ok yes it felt good. I got into my car, went home and I slept well.

Life is just an interesting place, not knowing what tomorrow holds I think is the best and the worst thing about life. It’s not great for planning but it's what keeps me going; not knowing what exciting things are going to happen each day. Today is looking exciting already.

May we all learn to love ourselves and each other selflessly.

She’s just not that into you…

Yes you read correctly, it wasn’t a typo! After basking in the glory of the insights learned for the movie ‘he’s just not that into you’ and my previous article on the same title, I figured that it isn’t always about women being vulnerable and men being the emotionally stronger sex. Men need help too. For a lot of women and I speak using my own experiences, I believe that for every guy that’s just not into you there’s a guy in the same scene that you’re just not into.

For every time I have been single and toyed with the possibility of being in a relationship especially in the driest of seasons when there was just no eligible bachelor on the scene, there was always the one guy in the least that I just wasn’t into. Since we are referring to a particular movie here, I will draw examples from the movie and then from personal experience.

If you read the first article you would be familiar with the characters Gorgeous Single Girl (SG) and Scrumptious Married Man (MM). For the sake of those who missed the preceding article, I will summarise. SG is smitten by MM, pursues him based on some silly belief that MM may be the love of her life and she may be the exception to the rule i.e. the one whom the married man leaves his family for. SG and MM begin an affair which ends miserably for both parties.

I will like to introduce another character who I will call Not My Type (NT). NT is really into SG and has been prior to her affair with MM. NT often calls SG, who in turn occasionally visits NT at his home, flirts with him, tells him sweet nothings and leaves him hanging high and dry often with a ‘hard on’. SG likes to cuddle and kiss NT but that’s as far as it ever goes. She has had sex with him once before but hasn’t ever since. Thanks to caller ID she doesn’t pick up his calls most of the time and when she does and says she’ll call him back, she never does. NT cannot understand why SG gives him mixed signals. To him it’s obvious she likes him on the one hand but on the other hand it’s obvious she just doesn’t ‘like him like that’. He cannot understand why they cannot make it official as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now in my experience after assessing guys based on whatever criteria, there are 2 broad categories of guys that I am not into and I will refer to them as Mr. No Sparks (NS) and Mr. No No (NN).

NS, we spend time together, we talk on the phone, I sleep on his couch, spend the night at his house, dance with him at the party, wear his t-shirts, sit on his lap but that’s the limit. I don’t want anything more or want him to ask for anything more because the likely response will be ‘but I thought you were my brother’. He’s the kind of guy you feel safe with but there’s really little or no attraction to tip the tables. The signals here are mixed, green-light, green-light, red-light!

To the NS man, I realize this may appear really frustrating but I would say to you, if this woman is worth pursuing based on your assessment of her, then tarry a while. A lot of women connect emotionally and being able to spend a lot of time comfortably in your presence is usually a good sign that you have passed many other assessment areas hence the green-light. However, there are two things that potentially will keep a guy in the NS state; the first is that he may be lacking in a fantasy sometimes fundamental criteria of hers, so she is re-assessing whether or not she can compromise on the criteria. While she makes up her mind, this could take some time, hence green-light, red-light. Count yourself lucky if she tells you what the criteria is as you will be amazed the kinds of criteria women have for their would-be men (another article). However, if you cannot meet the criteria set and it appears to be fundamental to her, you may be fighting a losing battle as she may string you along till her fantasy man arrives. It will be useful for a NS guy to find out early on if he falls under this category of NS that holds little prospects. The second reason which has a greater likelihood of success but can keep a guy in the NS state is that she’s just not attracted to you enough. So telling her how much you like her or asking her out early on won’t do the trick, she already knows that you like her. Your telling her again, would probably freak her out and bring on another of those ‘I see you as a brother’ conversations. I would suggest you need to do a better job of building chemistry and rapport with her. She must discover for herself that she likes you even before you tell her.

To establish whether or not she may have more feelings for you than she realizes, you need to create circumstances to test the waters. The best relationships I have had had started off as No Sparks (NS), so I really feel there is hope for turning a NS into a real relationship. When there is no fundamental criteria issue, the tipping point is usually the level of attraction. To build chemistry and rapport you must sow seeds of romantic thoughts and affiliations. Romantic feelings are the difference between the perpetual friend and the would-be lover. So the sooner the feelings are established, the better for all. So Mr. NS, a few tips to tip her over;

1. Be flirtatious. Try flirting with her and see how she reacts to it. The problem with nice guys is they are too nice and not naughty and this gives the impression of being a wonderful friend. Flirting should be playful and fun; a tickle, a playful smack, but something that allows you test the waters while allowing you hide under the pretext of a joke if things should go wrong. If she flirts back, green-light!
2. Touch subtlely. Don’t go grabbing her behind! When you meet up with her, make some physical contact for a few seconds but make sure it’s not somewhere uncomfortable. Try holding her hand for a few seconds if she likes it, she will snuggle up or have a sudden insight of ‘I like that’, green light! If she struggles to let go please leave her, red light!
3. Create some distance. Make yourself scarce. Do this especially when it’s been going on for months. Try spending the whole day with her then non for few days, then more again. Same with the phone calls. Let her miss you. Your disappearance will give her time to think about you. If she really has feelings for you; she will come looking for you, green light! If you don’t hear from her, red light!
4. Smell good, look good. I wish I could say this 5 times. Women are not attracted to men that smell funky or look unkempt. Dress neatly and smartly. Invest in anti-perspirant deodorant. It’s amazing that in this day and age some guys are still being reminded about this. I had a personal struggle with a guy on this one and he looked amazing but his smell just could not allow us pass GO. I tried telling him subtly but I guess old habits die hard! If she tells you that you look nice or smell good. Double green light! Proceed!
5. Anchor with happiness. Let her associate you with fun and happiness; that will make her see you as a positive aspect in her life. Invite her or take her out to fun places like parties or places she enjoys. Call her when she’s feeling down, be there for her but do not be the one who is always there for her at sad moments. That’ the job of her girl friends.
6. Ask her out! Only after you have established that she likes you and would consider taking it further. If you are still unsure, ask her in a light hearted manner what she thinks of you and her being a couple. If she reacts positively, there you go, green-light!

NNs on the other hand, I have no interest in whatsoever. In my mind, for whatever reason relationship wise, there is no possibility of progress. There is often just something about this guy that just rubs me the wrong way. If he pushes, I may even get irritated and scream! The more NN tries the more irritated I get. The problem with the NN is that he doesn’t listen. The signs are there loud and clear but he creates his own agenda and pursues it. Everything he is told lands on deaf ears so he continues his purposeless mission until he exhausts himself. There was once a guy that was convinced I was his wife and his persistence only annoyed me even more. Surely if there was an atom of truth in his prophesy my heart would change towards him but the areas of incompatibility were so deep rooted that I felt like strangling him every time he mentioned his conviction. Yes, I can change from lukewarm to hot about a guy but I haven’t yet gone from cold to hot. When I am at cold that’s usually what the thought of him does to me; turns me ice cold. He pursued until I literally had to scream ‘Stop! you are making me ill’.

There are only a few things more frustrating for a woman than being pursued by a NN. It is very similar to being trailed by a stalker. There is a clear distinction between a NS and a NN. If you are a NS, she actually likes you and spends time with you and talking to you. If she doesn’t spend time with you or spend time talking to you, you are a NN make no mistake of that. Leave her alone.

A woman’s green light may be tricky but her red-light should not be disregarded. One red-light signal may mean a ‘proceed with caution’ but several doses of these are clear signals of a definite No No;

1. She’s not returning your calls. She may not call you but not returning your calls is plain rude and a clear ‘I am not interested’ signal. If she’s playing games, even worse, you should think twice whether this is the type of girl you want to be spending time with. Flashing red-light!
2. She’s giving you monotonous responses on the phone or by email. Women like to talk especially to men the are interested in. One word answers mean ‘I am not interested in letting you know me and I am not interested in knowing you either.’ This is one signal I wish all guys would understand quicker. Double red-light!
3. She’s inflexible and too busy to fit you into her schedule. It is not unusual for a woman to clear her whole day’s schedule just to be available for one hour with a man she is clearly interested in. Red-light!
4. She declines gifts, never lets you do her any favors – or she repays them immediately. This is a sign she knows you’re into her, and she doesn’t want to feel indebted or obligated to you. Most women love receiving gifts and if she declines or doesn't acknowledge the gesture there isn’t a clearer signal that she is not interested. Proceed with caution!
5. She agrees to go out with you but cancels at the last minute. If she has cancelled on you a few times. Hint, hint, you are just back up.
6. You don’t hear from her for weeks or months at a time, and then she calls out of the blues to hang out. Chances are she is bored and you are the very last resort. You’re worse than back up.
7. She’s trying to hook you up with her friends or talking about how attractive other women are. This is a sure sign she is trying to deflect your attention from herself to another woman. Not a good sign.
8. She’s talking to you about other men she is interested in. This is really a hopeless situation and if she’s doing this because she’s playing games, again I ask is this the kind of woman you really want to be with.
9. She says ‘maybe’ to a date scheduled 2 weeks in advance. She’s just being polite, she’s not interested.
10. She tells you that she just wants to be friends or that she thinks of you as a brother (much worse). This means that she doesn’t find you attractive. She enjoys your company but she does not want to sleep with you. Sorry dear.
11. She finds every reason to argue with you and then puts the blame on you. She’s trying to justify why you’re so wrong for her. Please help her leave you. Run!
12. She puts you down in public, shouts at you or rolls her eyes in contempt. Wow! She has no respect for you whatsoever so please just leave her alone.
13. She doesn't laugh at your jokes. She either doesn't get your sense of humor, which means you probably aren't compatible or you are really rubbing her the wrong way. When women are interested, everything about you is funny. She will laugh even when it isn’t funny.
14. She says ‘I am not interested in you’. Unlike a lot of things women say, it is wise to take this literally. This phrase may come in many different forms such as: ‘I don't like you’, ‘I don't want to date you’, I don't want to have a relationship with you, ‘leave me alone’, ‘stop calling me’...the options are endless. The fact is she is NOT playing hard to get, so cut your losses and move on.

Now for the NS guy there is an additional aspect which should not be brushed aside. I wouldn’t be fair if I did not address it (ladies, I am sorry). It usually borders around another guy being in the picture. I like to refer to this other guy as a distraction; someone else whom a woman is attracted to and perhaps hopeful will blossom into something more. For me, it is one thing juggling a bunch of unserious men but it is very difficult to give more than one serious guy my undivided attention, even if we are still exploring possibilities. One of the relationships must suffer for the other to thrive. I tell my male friends not to underestimate the power of competition. If there’s a distraction, the signals can be very similar to red-light. If the distraction appears midway in the pursuit there may be a sudden change in her behavior and availability. Whereas the issue is not so much a ‘not interested’ but a ‘not interested right now’ which I liken to a busy signal on the telephone, ‘the lines are busy, please try again later.’ I have experienced this first hand and seen this happen with several women where after the distraction disappears, the scales finally drop off their eyes. A bit like what happens with SG and NT in the movie. When the affair with MM goes horribly wrong, she reverts to NT, who at this time has summoned up the courage to lay his cards on the table, and ask SG out one more time and to his shock, SG agrees to be his girlfriend without much fuss. Now of course the rest of us know that this behavior is due to a certain MM being out of the picture and a love guru once said that ‘the best cure for a lost love is another love.’

Nevertheless, when there’s a distraction, the signals can be red-light, so I would still suggest you move on and if you still haven’t found what you are looking for after some time has elapsed then you may try again at a later date when the outcome of the situation with the distraction is clearer.

They say women are interesting characters, I agree. If you are a NN, you are not her type, you are bringing out the worst in her or she has given you multiple doses of red-light signals then please leave her alone. If you are a NS, look out for 3 things; the criteria, do you meet it? The level of attraction, can you increase it? The distraction, will you compete or call back later? But more often than not, I suspect that she is just not attracted to you enough, so there is still hope. Again, I speak for myself, as long as woman spends time with you and time talking to you, she actually likes you, maybe not enough but she does anyway. Try focusing on building chemistry and rapport with her. Take control of the relationship, flirt with her a little and see how she reacts to it. If she flirts back, you are well on your way, if the signals are multiple red-lights then please consider calling it a day but whatever the circumstances, don’t be a push-over, remain confident, be a gentleman, treat her like a lady always and maybe, just maybe she’ll be yours. Good luck and please expect my invoice!

He's just not that into you...

He’s just not that into you…To me it’s pretty clear what the phrase means. There’s no uncertainty there. A few years ago while watching the Oprah show; it featured a man, who was the writer of a book by the same title. He basically had one point, summed up around the notion that when a man is truly interested in a woman, he goes out of his way to show it. She does not have to second guess or have any reason to doubt whether he likes her or not. It is clear to her and it is clear to everyone else. Towards the end of the show, there was a question and answer session where different women in the audience asked the writer for his opinion on their relationship issues. One by one they emptied their treasure chests, challenging their doubts and asking questions which women are sometimes too scared to ask for fear of knowing the painful truth. When all was said and done, all answers ended on the same note… ‘He’s just not that into you’. That was five years ago and the phrase stuck.

Being an avid reader, I own a copy of the book subtitled ‘the no excuses truth to understanding guys’. From the first time I saw the movie previewed, I had looked forward to seeing the movie. I eventually saw the movie a couple of days ago and if I picked up one thing from the movie it is this; ‘Give people advice based on the rule not the exception’. Now let me explain this new insight using the example from the movie and from personal experience.

The movie example goes like this; Gorgeous Single Girl (SG) meets Scrumptious Married Man (MM) at the supermarket. They strike a conversation; SG finds MM truly scrumptious and proceeds to arrange another meeting with MM using the reason of him helping her get ahead in her career. MM obviously attracted to SG and enjoying the attention, tells SG he is married. SG slightly embarrassed, retorts with something along the lines of ‘I didn’t know married people couldn’t have friends’. MM tries to explain that he’s just being careful, after all it’s better to be safe than sorry. MM has obviously done a mental check and has come to the conclusion that Gorgeous SG is a temptation he cannot resist. At this point, it is obvious that SG’s ego has been bruised by MM who has made his stance very clear. SG however requests for his business card and they part ways.

Time passes by, maybe days, maybe weeks. SG meets up with a friend whom we will call FF and relays how she met this fantastic guy at the supermarket. SG goes on to explain how great this guy is and the only problem is that he is married. It is clear to me that SG has decided to rule out Mr. Gorgeous MM based on his marital status which is what society at large teaches us is the decent thing to do. So what happens next? In a conversation that is geared to inspire SG, FF begins to relay a story pertaining to another friend of hers. She tells SG of her friend who meets an unhappily married man who eventually breaks up with his wife and marries her friend. FF explains that her friend and the previously unhappily married man have since been happily married for over 20 years. FF ends the pep talk by saying,

‘What if you meet the love of your life but you're already married to someone else? Are you supposed to let true love pass you by?’ SG replies saying ‘You're right. I'm gonna call him.’

So SG dashes off to call MM, who is still all, ‘I can't. I'm married.’ Saddened by another rejection, the conversation ends between SG and MM. By now, it’s already too late because the train is already moving at high speed and you guessed right, it has no brakes. Thoughts and fantasies have given birth in the mind of MM. What seems like a strong, faithful married man, crashes in the next few scenes as he calls SG back and arranges to meet her. I do not need to tell you that this was the beginning of an affair that spiraled into an unhappy ending for all involved.

Now what just happened here between SG and her friend FF is typical of women and their friends and the kind of unhealthy advice that women are guilty of giving themselves. Giving each other hope in situations where we should be giving practical advice linked to ‘the rule’ not ‘the exception’. What is the probability of a married man leaving his wife for a mistress? In every 1000 cases of unfaithful married men, how many have left their wives and lived happily ever after with their mistresses? Now why would anyone, no matter how much of an optimist they are, give another person that kind of advice? With sincere conviction, I believe that the advice given to SG backed by the story of an exceptional case was a major reason why SG called MM in the first place. Yes, I know people are adults and can think for themselves but we do look unto our friends for advice that may or may not inform our decision. Ok maybe this example had moral insinuations because there is a married person involved so let’s take another example of single people. In fact, let’s take a personal experience. Please note that, I am a woman like any other and I have often held unto the exception story and clung unto it for hope that I will be the one, the one who is different, the one who against all odds, the one whose relationship may start awfully but have a wonderful ending. I have never thought of myself as the rule. So it is very easy for me to believe I am the exception.

I remember being in a situation a few years back. I was involved with a guy who got back with his ex girlfriend after a few weeks of us establishing a relationship. Yes, I was lucky, he actually told me. Of course the sensible thing to do was to leave him and go and be appreciated by my own man but what happened was just a whole lot of silliness, for reasons I would now narrow down to plain stupidity and insecurity. I have learned that people treat you how you treat yourself and they take you for granted to the extent that you take yourself for granted.

Now back to the story, he got back with his ex and he still wanted to keep me on the side (God will save us from the evil of men o). He claimed he loved her but he loved me even more as I was his soul mate. I relished in the dream, I fantasized in the hope. To me it was only a matter of time. Stories of exceptional cases from friends and well wishers only ignited the fires of hope. One friend actually told me that all girlfriends’ start off being number 2s as every Nigerian guy already has a girlfriend, so it’s the number 2 that ends up becoming number 1. Another friend told me of how a friend met her husband when he was already engaged to someone else and how he had left his fiancée to marry her friend. The guy in question also told me that I could have kept hold of him over his ex if I wanted to because women had that power to keep a guy. Till this day, I never really understood what he meant by that statement and if it’s what I am thinking of now, all I can say to that is hmmmm. All well and good were the intentions of these stories of hope from friends and acquaintances alike. I forgot the rule and hung unto the exception because in my mind’s eye I am worthy of being an exception. My whole life is an exception. My love life should be an even bigger exception…a fairytale of exception! Needless to say, the relationship was doomed from Day 1, with a foundation like that; there wasn’t really much hope for it. Like a pack of domino tiles it crashed one tile after the other.

There’s a scene in the movie where they go around the world listening to conversations of women and their friends. Friends and confidantes feeding women with all sorts of plain and simple nonsense!

‘Maybe he's afraid to get hurt again’
‘Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship’
‘Maybe he's intimidated by you’
‘Maybe he likes you too much’
‘He just got out of a relationship’
‘He lost your number or his phone’
‘Maybe the dog ate your number’ (I couldn’t resist adding this one)

The funniest scene is depicted with 3 women in a remote African village, the third woman is being consoled by the first two women.

African Woman #1: I'm sure he just forgot your hut number!
African Woman #2: Or was eaten by a lion!
African Woman #3: You guys are awesome!

Obviously the scene was added for comic relief to buttress the extent we sometimes go to make excuses for the men who disappear on us. One of the home hitting quotes from the movie was ‘If a guy treats you like he doesn't give a shit, it's because he doesn't give a shit.’ Case closed.

Let’s save our stories of hope and exceptions for the people who really need it. For life or death situations, for giving hope to the dying, the terminally ill, the war torn, the persecuted, rather than put false hope in the thoughts and hearts of the broken hearted and lonely. Give me practical advice, tell me to look after myself and treat me the way I would like to be treated. Tell me not to allow other people treat me in a manner that robs me of my dignity. Say nothing! In the absence of saying anything practical, tell me ‘may God’s will be done’, ‘it is well’, or even the classic ‘e go better’. The book spells it out loud and clear and another very popular book says ‘to them who have ears, let them hear’ or in this case if you have eyes, please read and digest.

1. He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out (after many fights on this one, the verdict is yes, men still ask out women they are into; assumptions are risky)
2. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you
3. He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you
4. He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to have sex with you (whether you consent is your choice, the operative word here is ‘want’, any normal guy will want to sleep with you)
5. He’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone else
6. He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk, or at night time
7. He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you
8. He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you
9. He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you
10. He’s just not that into you if he’s married, has a girlfriend or any other variation of being unavailable
11. He’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully or a big freak
12. And lastly he’ll never be into you if you keep listening to these stories of exceptions. The chances are, it will not happen to you!

Stop listening to these fairytale exception stories that only happen to a minuscule minority, examples are;

1. Guys that were pursued by some girl who asked them out and she ends up being the love of his life. Chances are, it won’t be happening to you.
2. The guy who treats a girl badly, sleeps with her occasionally and after a couple of years he changes, marries her and is now the best husband ever. Chances are, it will not happen to you.
3. The guy who doesn’t call a girl he has slept with for over a month and then he finally calls and now they are the best couple money can buy. Yeah right!
4. The girl who is sleeping with a married guy and the married man ends up leaving his wife for her and they now live happily ever after. Fat chance!
5. The guy over 30, who had commitment phobia, dated his girlfriend for 8 years but finally came round and married her. Lai lai!
6. The guy who tells you he is committed to you and that marriage is just a piece of paper but miraculously changes his mind and marries you. If it’s just paper, let’s get married tomorrow!

Chances are, the minute you let go of any of the aforementioned guys, they’ll be married to someone else in 6 months. You are lovely as you are but he’s not worthy of you, he’s not sure about you and he’s definitely just not that into you!

In my opinion, the movie was not even great; it dragged in the middle. I wouldn’t recommend it for big screen viewing, wait for it to come out on video. The book is much better. I bought it at Silverbird 2 years ago; they may still have it in stock. If not I’ll be happy to read you excerpts.

I did say that if I learned nothing from the movie, I learnt one thing.

‘In as much as we love the exception stories, most of us are the rule and not the exception.’

It’s the same reason why laws are created based on the rule and not the exception. We can’t lay all our hopes on small probabilities. Faith works like that but when we need to make practical informed decisions, like we have to in relationships, most of us will benefit from sticking to the rule.

If you are in a happy place, being treated in a way you appreciate, whether it’s the rule or the exception that’s awesome. As individuals, we will all have varying interpretations of happiness or what we consider as acceptable to us. This message is for anyone who currently feels or has ever felt they were badly treated and needs to move from where they are now to a happy place.

This quote from the movie sums it all up;

‘Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending; we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope.’

Please if you have more examples of the exception stories, feel free to share, let’s laugh at ourselves a little.