The Forehead Kiss...

I’ve been kissed twice on my forehead. The first time was by my Ghanaian lesson teacher after my last lesson for the holiday before I went back to school. I must have been 13 then. I escorted him to the get a taxi home and before we parted he kissed me on the forehead, I think I must have walked home in a daze not knowing what to think of it. I can’t even remember his name but he was a really slim, really dark skinned man with a snoop dog grin and a very long pinkie finger nail. I couldn’t understand why he kept that finger nail so long. It gave him this weird look. I had always had a math phobia so my parents thought I needed extra lessons. He thought me math for that holiday. Yes I remember it was the beginning of form three the year we take the junior secondary exams. Well that was the first time I was kissed on my forehead.

The second time was yesterday (sic Tuesday). Yesterday just as I was about to get into my car after a night out with Kene. I don’t know whether or not it was the three shots of baileys that gave me the giggles but it sure did feel good. For a split second, I closed my eyes and I felt it tingle from my head to tiny toe. It sure did feel good. It just felt safe.

Let me tell you the implications of that first kiss on my forehead. I remember parts of it vividly. When I went back to school that term, I worked very hard. I wanted to impress my lesson teacher after all the effort we had put in that holiday. Although I couldn’t really articulate my feelings at the time. It’s since dawned on me that I was experiencing a peculiar crush. I don’t know how exactly I interpreted the kiss on the forehead but all of a sudden I was being very diligent about my math. I was working very hard at it and I wanted to impress someone. I did better that term. For the first time my math grades were up from a measly 49% to 69% and so I wrote him a letter. A light enough letter thanking him for his help and the obvious positive results it yielded. The good old letter writing days. A few weeks later his reply came in the post. I was ecstatic. I got a letter! I didn’t get many in those days, I guess I didn’t write many either. I opened it with great enthusiasm. I was smiling as I read through it and I was still smiling till I got to a certain paragraph. Now I can’t remember the exact words but he was saying something about liking me as a person but that he thought I needed to lose some weight. The next sentence went something like…’it is not like I cannot cope with obesity, it’s just that…’ I think I tore up the letter, yes I remember I was so upset that I tore it to pieces and decided to forget about him. It’s funny now but I think I did. I had heard a lot of words to describe me; baby fat, cute, chubby, aje butter, fatty bum bum, obrokoto Nigerian foot ball, Nigerian banana, Fatima but I just hadn’t heard it like that. . It was the first time I had actually seen or heard the word obesity making reference to me. As a young teenager I think the words were just too heavy (no pun intended) for me to deal with. That was my first recorded occurrence of a rejection from a male based on my weight.

The weight never left me, or should I say I never left the weight. Somehow we learned to live amicably. I can see that slim is in but I have never been slim. Today, I look at myself honestly and I think sexy gal. I look at myself in the mirror and I think cute! Something weird has happened; more and more I feel beautiful. Sometimes I think its down to experience and age. I feel as you get older you lose your shame. You get comfortable with being you; well if you don’t feel comfortable, I feel you should, life is too short. I just want to be comfortable in whatever I wear and however I look. I am told I dress well so at least I am sure I don’t look frumpy. Countless times I have been told I am pretty. A fine girl is a fine girl o. When I look in the mirror that’s what I see now, sexy gal!

I thought we were on the subject of the kiss on the forehead. I have read it’s also known as the motherly/fatherly kiss. The kind you get from someone who cares for you but not in the romantic sense. Ehm…ok yes it felt good. I got into my car, went home and I slept well.

Life is just an interesting place, not knowing what tomorrow holds I think is the best and the worst thing about life. It’s not great for planning but it's what keeps me going; not knowing what exciting things are going to happen each day. Today is looking exciting already.

May we all learn to love ourselves and each other selflessly.

She’s just not that into you…

Yes you read correctly, it wasn’t a typo! After basking in the glory of the insights learned for the movie ‘he’s just not that into you’ and my previous article on the same title, I figured that it isn’t always about women being vulnerable and men being the emotionally stronger sex. Men need help too. For a lot of women and I speak using my own experiences, I believe that for every guy that’s just not into you there’s a guy in the same scene that you’re just not into.

For every time I have been single and toyed with the possibility of being in a relationship especially in the driest of seasons when there was just no eligible bachelor on the scene, there was always the one guy in the least that I just wasn’t into. Since we are referring to a particular movie here, I will draw examples from the movie and then from personal experience.

If you read the first article you would be familiar with the characters Gorgeous Single Girl (SG) and Scrumptious Married Man (MM). For the sake of those who missed the preceding article, I will summarise. SG is smitten by MM, pursues him based on some silly belief that MM may be the love of her life and she may be the exception to the rule i.e. the one whom the married man leaves his family for. SG and MM begin an affair which ends miserably for both parties.

I will like to introduce another character who I will call Not My Type (NT). NT is really into SG and has been prior to her affair with MM. NT often calls SG, who in turn occasionally visits NT at his home, flirts with him, tells him sweet nothings and leaves him hanging high and dry often with a ‘hard on’. SG likes to cuddle and kiss NT but that’s as far as it ever goes. She has had sex with him once before but hasn’t ever since. Thanks to caller ID she doesn’t pick up his calls most of the time and when she does and says she’ll call him back, she never does. NT cannot understand why SG gives him mixed signals. To him it’s obvious she likes him on the one hand but on the other hand it’s obvious she just doesn’t ‘like him like that’. He cannot understand why they cannot make it official as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now in my experience after assessing guys based on whatever criteria, there are 2 broad categories of guys that I am not into and I will refer to them as Mr. No Sparks (NS) and Mr. No No (NN).

NS, we spend time together, we talk on the phone, I sleep on his couch, spend the night at his house, dance with him at the party, wear his t-shirts, sit on his lap but that’s the limit. I don’t want anything more or want him to ask for anything more because the likely response will be ‘but I thought you were my brother’. He’s the kind of guy you feel safe with but there’s really little or no attraction to tip the tables. The signals here are mixed, green-light, green-light, red-light!

To the NS man, I realize this may appear really frustrating but I would say to you, if this woman is worth pursuing based on your assessment of her, then tarry a while. A lot of women connect emotionally and being able to spend a lot of time comfortably in your presence is usually a good sign that you have passed many other assessment areas hence the green-light. However, there are two things that potentially will keep a guy in the NS state; the first is that he may be lacking in a fantasy sometimes fundamental criteria of hers, so she is re-assessing whether or not she can compromise on the criteria. While she makes up her mind, this could take some time, hence green-light, red-light. Count yourself lucky if she tells you what the criteria is as you will be amazed the kinds of criteria women have for their would-be men (another article). However, if you cannot meet the criteria set and it appears to be fundamental to her, you may be fighting a losing battle as she may string you along till her fantasy man arrives. It will be useful for a NS guy to find out early on if he falls under this category of NS that holds little prospects. The second reason which has a greater likelihood of success but can keep a guy in the NS state is that she’s just not attracted to you enough. So telling her how much you like her or asking her out early on won’t do the trick, she already knows that you like her. Your telling her again, would probably freak her out and bring on another of those ‘I see you as a brother’ conversations. I would suggest you need to do a better job of building chemistry and rapport with her. She must discover for herself that she likes you even before you tell her.

To establish whether or not she may have more feelings for you than she realizes, you need to create circumstances to test the waters. The best relationships I have had had started off as No Sparks (NS), so I really feel there is hope for turning a NS into a real relationship. When there is no fundamental criteria issue, the tipping point is usually the level of attraction. To build chemistry and rapport you must sow seeds of romantic thoughts and affiliations. Romantic feelings are the difference between the perpetual friend and the would-be lover. So the sooner the feelings are established, the better for all. So Mr. NS, a few tips to tip her over;

1. Be flirtatious. Try flirting with her and see how she reacts to it. The problem with nice guys is they are too nice and not naughty and this gives the impression of being a wonderful friend. Flirting should be playful and fun; a tickle, a playful smack, but something that allows you test the waters while allowing you hide under the pretext of a joke if things should go wrong. If she flirts back, green-light!
2. Touch subtlely. Don’t go grabbing her behind! When you meet up with her, make some physical contact for a few seconds but make sure it’s not somewhere uncomfortable. Try holding her hand for a few seconds if she likes it, she will snuggle up or have a sudden insight of ‘I like that’, green light! If she struggles to let go please leave her, red light!
3. Create some distance. Make yourself scarce. Do this especially when it’s been going on for months. Try spending the whole day with her then non for few days, then more again. Same with the phone calls. Let her miss you. Your disappearance will give her time to think about you. If she really has feelings for you; she will come looking for you, green light! If you don’t hear from her, red light!
4. Smell good, look good. I wish I could say this 5 times. Women are not attracted to men that smell funky or look unkempt. Dress neatly and smartly. Invest in anti-perspirant deodorant. It’s amazing that in this day and age some guys are still being reminded about this. I had a personal struggle with a guy on this one and he looked amazing but his smell just could not allow us pass GO. I tried telling him subtly but I guess old habits die hard! If she tells you that you look nice or smell good. Double green light! Proceed!
5. Anchor with happiness. Let her associate you with fun and happiness; that will make her see you as a positive aspect in her life. Invite her or take her out to fun places like parties or places she enjoys. Call her when she’s feeling down, be there for her but do not be the one who is always there for her at sad moments. That’ the job of her girl friends.
6. Ask her out! Only after you have established that she likes you and would consider taking it further. If you are still unsure, ask her in a light hearted manner what she thinks of you and her being a couple. If she reacts positively, there you go, green-light!

NNs on the other hand, I have no interest in whatsoever. In my mind, for whatever reason relationship wise, there is no possibility of progress. There is often just something about this guy that just rubs me the wrong way. If he pushes, I may even get irritated and scream! The more NN tries the more irritated I get. The problem with the NN is that he doesn’t listen. The signs are there loud and clear but he creates his own agenda and pursues it. Everything he is told lands on deaf ears so he continues his purposeless mission until he exhausts himself. There was once a guy that was convinced I was his wife and his persistence only annoyed me even more. Surely if there was an atom of truth in his prophesy my heart would change towards him but the areas of incompatibility were so deep rooted that I felt like strangling him every time he mentioned his conviction. Yes, I can change from lukewarm to hot about a guy but I haven’t yet gone from cold to hot. When I am at cold that’s usually what the thought of him does to me; turns me ice cold. He pursued until I literally had to scream ‘Stop! you are making me ill’.

There are only a few things more frustrating for a woman than being pursued by a NN. It is very similar to being trailed by a stalker. There is a clear distinction between a NS and a NN. If you are a NS, she actually likes you and spends time with you and talking to you. If she doesn’t spend time with you or spend time talking to you, you are a NN make no mistake of that. Leave her alone.

A woman’s green light may be tricky but her red-light should not be disregarded. One red-light signal may mean a ‘proceed with caution’ but several doses of these are clear signals of a definite No No;

1. She’s not returning your calls. She may not call you but not returning your calls is plain rude and a clear ‘I am not interested’ signal. If she’s playing games, even worse, you should think twice whether this is the type of girl you want to be spending time with. Flashing red-light!
2. She’s giving you monotonous responses on the phone or by email. Women like to talk especially to men the are interested in. One word answers mean ‘I am not interested in letting you know me and I am not interested in knowing you either.’ This is one signal I wish all guys would understand quicker. Double red-light!
3. She’s inflexible and too busy to fit you into her schedule. It is not unusual for a woman to clear her whole day’s schedule just to be available for one hour with a man she is clearly interested in. Red-light!
4. She declines gifts, never lets you do her any favors – or she repays them immediately. This is a sign she knows you’re into her, and she doesn’t want to feel indebted or obligated to you. Most women love receiving gifts and if she declines or doesn't acknowledge the gesture there isn’t a clearer signal that she is not interested. Proceed with caution!
5. She agrees to go out with you but cancels at the last minute. If she has cancelled on you a few times. Hint, hint, you are just back up.
6. You don’t hear from her for weeks or months at a time, and then she calls out of the blues to hang out. Chances are she is bored and you are the very last resort. You’re worse than back up.
7. She’s trying to hook you up with her friends or talking about how attractive other women are. This is a sure sign she is trying to deflect your attention from herself to another woman. Not a good sign.
8. She’s talking to you about other men she is interested in. This is really a hopeless situation and if she’s doing this because she’s playing games, again I ask is this the kind of woman you really want to be with.
9. She says ‘maybe’ to a date scheduled 2 weeks in advance. She’s just being polite, she’s not interested.
10. She tells you that she just wants to be friends or that she thinks of you as a brother (much worse). This means that she doesn’t find you attractive. She enjoys your company but she does not want to sleep with you. Sorry dear.
11. She finds every reason to argue with you and then puts the blame on you. She’s trying to justify why you’re so wrong for her. Please help her leave you. Run!
12. She puts you down in public, shouts at you or rolls her eyes in contempt. Wow! She has no respect for you whatsoever so please just leave her alone.
13. She doesn't laugh at your jokes. She either doesn't get your sense of humor, which means you probably aren't compatible or you are really rubbing her the wrong way. When women are interested, everything about you is funny. She will laugh even when it isn’t funny.
14. She says ‘I am not interested in you’. Unlike a lot of things women say, it is wise to take this literally. This phrase may come in many different forms such as: ‘I don't like you’, ‘I don't want to date you’, I don't want to have a relationship with you, ‘leave me alone’, ‘stop calling me’...the options are endless. The fact is she is NOT playing hard to get, so cut your losses and move on.

Now for the NS guy there is an additional aspect which should not be brushed aside. I wouldn’t be fair if I did not address it (ladies, I am sorry). It usually borders around another guy being in the picture. I like to refer to this other guy as a distraction; someone else whom a woman is attracted to and perhaps hopeful will blossom into something more. For me, it is one thing juggling a bunch of unserious men but it is very difficult to give more than one serious guy my undivided attention, even if we are still exploring possibilities. One of the relationships must suffer for the other to thrive. I tell my male friends not to underestimate the power of competition. If there’s a distraction, the signals can be very similar to red-light. If the distraction appears midway in the pursuit there may be a sudden change in her behavior and availability. Whereas the issue is not so much a ‘not interested’ but a ‘not interested right now’ which I liken to a busy signal on the telephone, ‘the lines are busy, please try again later.’ I have experienced this first hand and seen this happen with several women where after the distraction disappears, the scales finally drop off their eyes. A bit like what happens with SG and NT in the movie. When the affair with MM goes horribly wrong, she reverts to NT, who at this time has summoned up the courage to lay his cards on the table, and ask SG out one more time and to his shock, SG agrees to be his girlfriend without much fuss. Now of course the rest of us know that this behavior is due to a certain MM being out of the picture and a love guru once said that ‘the best cure for a lost love is another love.’

Nevertheless, when there’s a distraction, the signals can be red-light, so I would still suggest you move on and if you still haven’t found what you are looking for after some time has elapsed then you may try again at a later date when the outcome of the situation with the distraction is clearer.

They say women are interesting characters, I agree. If you are a NN, you are not her type, you are bringing out the worst in her or she has given you multiple doses of red-light signals then please leave her alone. If you are a NS, look out for 3 things; the criteria, do you meet it? The level of attraction, can you increase it? The distraction, will you compete or call back later? But more often than not, I suspect that she is just not attracted to you enough, so there is still hope. Again, I speak for myself, as long as woman spends time with you and time talking to you, she actually likes you, maybe not enough but she does anyway. Try focusing on building chemistry and rapport with her. Take control of the relationship, flirt with her a little and see how she reacts to it. If she flirts back, you are well on your way, if the signals are multiple red-lights then please consider calling it a day but whatever the circumstances, don’t be a push-over, remain confident, be a gentleman, treat her like a lady always and maybe, just maybe she’ll be yours. Good luck and please expect my invoice!

He's just not that into you...

He’s just not that into you…To me it’s pretty clear what the phrase means. There’s no uncertainty there. A few years ago while watching the Oprah show; it featured a man, who was the writer of a book by the same title. He basically had one point, summed up around the notion that when a man is truly interested in a woman, he goes out of his way to show it. She does not have to second guess or have any reason to doubt whether he likes her or not. It is clear to her and it is clear to everyone else. Towards the end of the show, there was a question and answer session where different women in the audience asked the writer for his opinion on their relationship issues. One by one they emptied their treasure chests, challenging their doubts and asking questions which women are sometimes too scared to ask for fear of knowing the painful truth. When all was said and done, all answers ended on the same note… ‘He’s just not that into you’. That was five years ago and the phrase stuck.

Being an avid reader, I own a copy of the book subtitled ‘the no excuses truth to understanding guys’. From the first time I saw the movie previewed, I had looked forward to seeing the movie. I eventually saw the movie a couple of days ago and if I picked up one thing from the movie it is this; ‘Give people advice based on the rule not the exception’. Now let me explain this new insight using the example from the movie and from personal experience.

The movie example goes like this; Gorgeous Single Girl (SG) meets Scrumptious Married Man (MM) at the supermarket. They strike a conversation; SG finds MM truly scrumptious and proceeds to arrange another meeting with MM using the reason of him helping her get ahead in her career. MM obviously attracted to SG and enjoying the attention, tells SG he is married. SG slightly embarrassed, retorts with something along the lines of ‘I didn’t know married people couldn’t have friends’. MM tries to explain that he’s just being careful, after all it’s better to be safe than sorry. MM has obviously done a mental check and has come to the conclusion that Gorgeous SG is a temptation he cannot resist. At this point, it is obvious that SG’s ego has been bruised by MM who has made his stance very clear. SG however requests for his business card and they part ways.

Time passes by, maybe days, maybe weeks. SG meets up with a friend whom we will call FF and relays how she met this fantastic guy at the supermarket. SG goes on to explain how great this guy is and the only problem is that he is married. It is clear to me that SG has decided to rule out Mr. Gorgeous MM based on his marital status which is what society at large teaches us is the decent thing to do. So what happens next? In a conversation that is geared to inspire SG, FF begins to relay a story pertaining to another friend of hers. She tells SG of her friend who meets an unhappily married man who eventually breaks up with his wife and marries her friend. FF explains that her friend and the previously unhappily married man have since been happily married for over 20 years. FF ends the pep talk by saying,

‘What if you meet the love of your life but you're already married to someone else? Are you supposed to let true love pass you by?’ SG replies saying ‘You're right. I'm gonna call him.’

So SG dashes off to call MM, who is still all, ‘I can't. I'm married.’ Saddened by another rejection, the conversation ends between SG and MM. By now, it’s already too late because the train is already moving at high speed and you guessed right, it has no brakes. Thoughts and fantasies have given birth in the mind of MM. What seems like a strong, faithful married man, crashes in the next few scenes as he calls SG back and arranges to meet her. I do not need to tell you that this was the beginning of an affair that spiraled into an unhappy ending for all involved.

Now what just happened here between SG and her friend FF is typical of women and their friends and the kind of unhealthy advice that women are guilty of giving themselves. Giving each other hope in situations where we should be giving practical advice linked to ‘the rule’ not ‘the exception’. What is the probability of a married man leaving his wife for a mistress? In every 1000 cases of unfaithful married men, how many have left their wives and lived happily ever after with their mistresses? Now why would anyone, no matter how much of an optimist they are, give another person that kind of advice? With sincere conviction, I believe that the advice given to SG backed by the story of an exceptional case was a major reason why SG called MM in the first place. Yes, I know people are adults and can think for themselves but we do look unto our friends for advice that may or may not inform our decision. Ok maybe this example had moral insinuations because there is a married person involved so let’s take another example of single people. In fact, let’s take a personal experience. Please note that, I am a woman like any other and I have often held unto the exception story and clung unto it for hope that I will be the one, the one who is different, the one who against all odds, the one whose relationship may start awfully but have a wonderful ending. I have never thought of myself as the rule. So it is very easy for me to believe I am the exception.

I remember being in a situation a few years back. I was involved with a guy who got back with his ex girlfriend after a few weeks of us establishing a relationship. Yes, I was lucky, he actually told me. Of course the sensible thing to do was to leave him and go and be appreciated by my own man but what happened was just a whole lot of silliness, for reasons I would now narrow down to plain stupidity and insecurity. I have learned that people treat you how you treat yourself and they take you for granted to the extent that you take yourself for granted.

Now back to the story, he got back with his ex and he still wanted to keep me on the side (God will save us from the evil of men o). He claimed he loved her but he loved me even more as I was his soul mate. I relished in the dream, I fantasized in the hope. To me it was only a matter of time. Stories of exceptional cases from friends and well wishers only ignited the fires of hope. One friend actually told me that all girlfriends’ start off being number 2s as every Nigerian guy already has a girlfriend, so it’s the number 2 that ends up becoming number 1. Another friend told me of how a friend met her husband when he was already engaged to someone else and how he had left his fiancée to marry her friend. The guy in question also told me that I could have kept hold of him over his ex if I wanted to because women had that power to keep a guy. Till this day, I never really understood what he meant by that statement and if it’s what I am thinking of now, all I can say to that is hmmmm. All well and good were the intentions of these stories of hope from friends and acquaintances alike. I forgot the rule and hung unto the exception because in my mind’s eye I am worthy of being an exception. My whole life is an exception. My love life should be an even bigger exception…a fairytale of exception! Needless to say, the relationship was doomed from Day 1, with a foundation like that; there wasn’t really much hope for it. Like a pack of domino tiles it crashed one tile after the other.

There’s a scene in the movie where they go around the world listening to conversations of women and their friends. Friends and confidantes feeding women with all sorts of plain and simple nonsense!

‘Maybe he's afraid to get hurt again’
‘Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship’
‘Maybe he's intimidated by you’
‘Maybe he likes you too much’
‘He just got out of a relationship’
‘He lost your number or his phone’
‘Maybe the dog ate your number’ (I couldn’t resist adding this one)

The funniest scene is depicted with 3 women in a remote African village, the third woman is being consoled by the first two women.

African Woman #1: I'm sure he just forgot your hut number!
African Woman #2: Or was eaten by a lion!
African Woman #3: You guys are awesome!

Obviously the scene was added for comic relief to buttress the extent we sometimes go to make excuses for the men who disappear on us. One of the home hitting quotes from the movie was ‘If a guy treats you like he doesn't give a shit, it's because he doesn't give a shit.’ Case closed.

Let’s save our stories of hope and exceptions for the people who really need it. For life or death situations, for giving hope to the dying, the terminally ill, the war torn, the persecuted, rather than put false hope in the thoughts and hearts of the broken hearted and lonely. Give me practical advice, tell me to look after myself and treat me the way I would like to be treated. Tell me not to allow other people treat me in a manner that robs me of my dignity. Say nothing! In the absence of saying anything practical, tell me ‘may God’s will be done’, ‘it is well’, or even the classic ‘e go better’. The book spells it out loud and clear and another very popular book says ‘to them who have ears, let them hear’ or in this case if you have eyes, please read and digest.

1. He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out (after many fights on this one, the verdict is yes, men still ask out women they are into; assumptions are risky)
2. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you
3. He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you
4. He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to have sex with you (whether you consent is your choice, the operative word here is ‘want’, any normal guy will want to sleep with you)
5. He’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone else
6. He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk, or at night time
7. He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you
8. He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you
9. He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you
10. He’s just not that into you if he’s married, has a girlfriend or any other variation of being unavailable
11. He’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully or a big freak
12. And lastly he’ll never be into you if you keep listening to these stories of exceptions. The chances are, it will not happen to you!

Stop listening to these fairytale exception stories that only happen to a minuscule minority, examples are;

1. Guys that were pursued by some girl who asked them out and she ends up being the love of his life. Chances are, it won’t be happening to you.
2. The guy who treats a girl badly, sleeps with her occasionally and after a couple of years he changes, marries her and is now the best husband ever. Chances are, it will not happen to you.
3. The guy who doesn’t call a girl he has slept with for over a month and then he finally calls and now they are the best couple money can buy. Yeah right!
4. The girl who is sleeping with a married guy and the married man ends up leaving his wife for her and they now live happily ever after. Fat chance!
5. The guy over 30, who had commitment phobia, dated his girlfriend for 8 years but finally came round and married her. Lai lai!
6. The guy who tells you he is committed to you and that marriage is just a piece of paper but miraculously changes his mind and marries you. If it’s just paper, let’s get married tomorrow!

Chances are, the minute you let go of any of the aforementioned guys, they’ll be married to someone else in 6 months. You are lovely as you are but he’s not worthy of you, he’s not sure about you and he’s definitely just not that into you!

In my opinion, the movie was not even great; it dragged in the middle. I wouldn’t recommend it for big screen viewing, wait for it to come out on video. The book is much better. I bought it at Silverbird 2 years ago; they may still have it in stock. If not I’ll be happy to read you excerpts.

I did say that if I learned nothing from the movie, I learnt one thing.

‘In as much as we love the exception stories, most of us are the rule and not the exception.’

It’s the same reason why laws are created based on the rule and not the exception. We can’t lay all our hopes on small probabilities. Faith works like that but when we need to make practical informed decisions, like we have to in relationships, most of us will benefit from sticking to the rule.

If you are in a happy place, being treated in a way you appreciate, whether it’s the rule or the exception that’s awesome. As individuals, we will all have varying interpretations of happiness or what we consider as acceptable to us. This message is for anyone who currently feels or has ever felt they were badly treated and needs to move from where they are now to a happy place.

This quote from the movie sums it all up;

‘Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending; we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope.’

Please if you have more examples of the exception stories, feel free to share, let’s laugh at ourselves a little.

Gosh, This is so me.............

Name: Adaora

Origin: African

Sex: Female

Unisex Name? No

Meaning: First daughter of the people (Igbo, Nigeria).

Soul Urge: People with the name Adaora have a deep inner desire to serve humanity and to give to others by sharing money, knowledge and experience, or creative and artistic ability.
Expression: People with the name Adaora tend to be a powerful force to all whose lives they touch. They are capable, charismatic leaders who often undertake large endeavors with great success. They value truth, justice, and discipline, and may be quick-tempered with those who do not. If they fail to develop their potential, they may become impractical and rigid.

Sylables: 4

Variants: Adaoha, Adora

# of Characters: 6

First Consonant: D

First Vowel: A

Rating: *****

For the little things...

I just want to cease this opportunity to thank God for the little things. I may not remember all the wonders that operate in my small life but I want to acknowledge him for the little things. Last week my laptop started acting up. It’s 3 years old and I haven’t really used it in over a year. I usually have a work laptop so I just used it as back up. I noticed it’s been slow and it was suggested it has a memory issue. But I have been hanging on believing that when I finally get to go on my holiday, I will buy a new one for half the price. So I had been keeping my fingers crossed on it, praying knowing fully well it’s on its last legs.

Then as if the enemy was near by, it starts to act up even more. After fifteen minutes it freezes and I have to reboot. After the third time it happens I realize that this is going to be the new routine. Arrrrrrrgh! I begin to save every minute knowing that it would freeze at any moment. I begin to write my emails in word so that at least when it freezes the auto recovery would pick it up instead of it disappearing into oblivion. I have had to adjust to the new way of using the laptop. I am managing pretty well with the new routine but my thoughts are not so much on me but on what will happen when it freezes in front of a client during a presentation. And lo and behold it does! Right in the middle of my presentation, so I have to stop and talk some more before I acknowledge that it has frozen and that I have to reboot it. I think to myself, what next? Well, I reboot and we continue. And all the while I am just praying that 15 minutes drag, as I prepare for the next freeze. Since I was facilitating the session, I decide to continue the session using the flipchart, that way I don’t have to worry about the laptop freezing. Phew! That was on Friday and I worked with the laptop rebooting routine till I began rebooting every 10 minutes no longer waiting for the 15 minute freeze point. Still in a dilemma of whether or not to bear it for 1 month before I travel, I begin to hit the laptop hoping that it’s a hardware problem and that the hitting will somehow hit something back into place. My dear when you are desperate you will try anything.

Then on Sunday, something weird happens. I have Windows updates that are waiting to be installed. The icon is glaring at me on the toolbar at the right hand corner of the screen. For what it’s worth I click on it and it begins to install updates. When it completes the installation, I reboot. When it reboots, something interesting comes up. A strange icon appears on the right hand corner, I click on it and it is called ‘Malicious Software’ I read the description and it says it identifies and removes malicious software. I run the program and voila! It finds a huge number of funny programs and deletes one which it identifies as a ‘worm’ that affects the performance of a system. I complete the process and I reboot. I don’t know what happened after that but the laptop hasn’t frozen in 24 hours. Can someone say ‘Praise God?’ that’s why I said this post is about the small things because it may seem pretty small but to me I saw the hand of God in it. The timing was perfect and I have not seen the ‘Malicious Software’ icon since then. I have searched for it in the programs list and I can’t find it either. Now I don’t know where this little angel went but it has sorted out my laptop issues. And I am thanking God for the little things.

Lord I thank you for the little things and trust you even more for the big things. Thank you Lord!

Did I Say a Break???

Did I say I was taking a break off work??? Let me rephrase. It’s been almost 6 weeks since I left my job and I can say the break lasted all but 2 weeks. For the past month I have been swamped with work! I have worked much more than I had in the first quarter of this year, the only difference being that the work happens in my bedroom and the working hours are till 4 am in the morning. The work hours are crazy but I don’t really have to get up early except on very few occasions when I have meetings with clients. I am officially free lancing now. Right now I have 3 clients and a few more prospects. What happened?

I guess two things. When people know that you work for yourself and not just doing it on the side, they begin to take you seriously and seek you out for professional engagements. Secondly, I guess I couldn’t resist the opportunity of earning a pay check. I really like what I do and I am pretty good at it. I design and develop systems that help businesses achieve results through their people. When I tell people I am a HR consultant, why do they automatically think I do recruitment??? That’s a tiny bit of the iceberg. In actual fact I would only do recruitment when there aren’t other things to do. I find it time consuming as well as tedious and the cycle time for payment leaves a lot to be desired.

Anyway, I just saw an offline message from my ex boyfriend. He was reading Chimamanda Adichie’s new book and says he thinks I should write a book because in his own words ‘I feel you can write just as well if not better’. Gosh, I feel bad every time someone reminds me of this writing gift that I have refused to use. Where is the time amidst other demanding gifts and priorities? Someone tell me where is the time? Maybe I should hire a coach to work with me as I don’t know how I am going to manage writing a book and doing my PhD, juggling my career and a family on top. I need another 5 year plan as I really need to put things into perspective. Anyway, I promised myself I am not going to be worrying about the future but rather just take it one day at a time. Life is way too short. I have to keep reminding myself of that truth.

It’s been quite an epiphany these past few weeks. A lot has been happening on all fronts. For a start, it’s Monday morning and I am in bed. The beginning of last week was pretty hectic work wise but this week looks quiet. Although conscious of it, I have not felt the financial pinch and I pray by His grace that I will not. I plan to be on holiday in the next month so I am exploring frugal means of spending my holiday, knowing that I shall receive no pay cheque for the month I am away. But I have learnt a lot in life and more recently I am convinced that God has an unpredictable way of doing things. I am really not worried about my finances, God has been faithful and has embarrassed me with His goodness several times when I attempted to worry, so I trust whole heartedly in Him, believing that He will sort me out.

Since I left work I have had about 4 interviews, none of which I am pretty keen. I am enjoying the flexibility of working from home although I must admit it is a lot of work but its fulfilling working on your own terms. The thought has crossed my mind on whether or not I will be going back to work soon. I didn’t think I will have this dilemma so soon. What are the options really? I guess it’s whether or not I want to begin the process of growing a small business. Now it’s strange that I enjoy being self employed but the thought of running and growing a firm is not appealing to me. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know why. On the other hand, I also do not see myself, point of correction, I do not desire to be an MD of a firm but what I do desire and see myself in is being in a position of influence and authority, where my work touches the lives of many people in a very positive way. How can I achieve this? Government appeals to me but anyone that knows me knows that I am no politician. I say what is on the tip of my tongue and wear my heart on my sleeve. My moods are so visible they have eyes and cut deep. Now what I won’t mind is if I am made minister of education or communication or labor. Something that will let me sort out an issue or concern that can positively improve the lives of the people in the country. I don’t know why I just have this feeling or desire to want to be in government or some regulatory body. Corporate world, although an area I have done reasonably well in, somehow does not appeal to me in the long term.

Finally, the thought of a family is becoming appealing to me. For the first time ever, I can comfortably see where a family fits into my plans. It sounds sad right but we thank God, better late than never. Ok I am thinking that when the family finally begins, I would take a few years off to pursue my PhD. But is it realistic? I have never seen myself as someone who can juggle family and work, my stress threshold is not high. But family and a distance learning program seems more manageable. The problem with all these plans is that they require finances and thus the reason why people end up continuing with full time jobs. Hmmm so what do I do? Anyway I said I won’t worry about finances, that’s God’s job.

Baba God, I continue to trust in you for my strength, wisdom and discernment. Love you Lord!

Wolverine, My Love...

The thought of watching 'Wolverine' got me really excited. I remembered vividly how much I enjoyed X-Men 3 a few years ago. It was Busola and I and we sat at the very first row of the cinema hall because it was packed full with people. I think it was the premier night at silver bird, Lagos. The special effects and the special powers displayed by the mutants in x-men have always been applaud worthy. I just remember a crowd full of people, giving commentary and applauding all through the special effects, action-packed filled scenes. It was definitely the best movie I had seen that year. This time it was Ifeoma who invited me to see the movie, it was a planned all girls outing and I thought it would be a great way to spend the May day holiday.

The great thing about my love for X-Men is that I never read any of the comics. My brother used to collect them but I always found the characters so mutant looking that I figured it would have nothing intriguing to offer. So for me, I have no expectations on what should happen or how things ought to be based on the comic.

Wolverine, a man after my own heart. In this movie sub titled 'X-Men Origins', we are taken back where I believe it all began, however the focus is on Wolverine’s life. We are shown the beginning of his mutation and his discovery of who his real father is in what appears to be a fight between his mother and her drunken lover.

The highlight of the movie is when Lagos, Nigeria is chosen as a location for a secret operation. The crowd in the cinema applauded. Lagosians so proud to be featured in a Hollywood blockbuster. I guess I was unaware of the script because I really got more than I bargained for. We are shown how Wolverine's mutation came to manifest. He has the mutation of a wolf; its strength, speed, claws but there is just one thing that shouldn’t be; his heart. For a man with a wolf-like mutation, he does not have a heart to match. At several points in the movie we see him make some emotional decisions. He lacks killer instincts. His heart is larger than life.

It’s amazing how two people from the same family can go through the same experiences yet react to it differently. I guess it’s the same way you have children raised by an abusive parent and one child turns out exactly if not worse than the abusive parent and the other child is the complete opposite. We see this happen with Wolverine and his brother who both go through the same traumatized path but one brother reacts like the world owes him blood. He thirsts for it and from the beginning to end he seems to be on a killing spree while our man Wolverine wants none of it and goes into hiding to rid himself of the gruesome memories of a sordid past.

It makes me realize how different people are. How circumstances and interpretations of our environment can affect our reactions to our environment. Taking examples from my own experience, I have seen how I have interpreted the environments I have worked in and how much it affected the personality I adopted in each environment. I have worked in two environments where I was considered introvert to the surprise of those who know me well. In retrospect I know that my behavior was pretty much governed by my interpretation of both environments which I registered as hostile in my mind. And based on my personality type rather than fight for relevance, I retreated into a shell that I came out of only when I was out into what I deemed a friendlier environment. Now I have done a bit of research and work on understanding behavior particularly as it relates to the work environment. I consider myself an extrovert with introvert instincts. Now let me explain. I am extrovert because I consider myself social. I enjoy good company and good conversation. My idea of fun has people in it. Now I have introvert instincts, what do I mean? In as much as I love good company, I enjoy my own company. I spend a lot of time with myself, reading, writing and doing things alone. In fact sometimes my desire to be on my own is so strong that I would deliberately avoid all opportunities of social interaction when I am experiencing my alone moments. I guess we all are a bit like that sometimes?

Another interesting thing is the romance in the story, not your typical happy ending, as what seemed like pure bliss ended as deceit and betrayal. However, I wonder, must there be romance in almost every story line. It seems there must be some sort of it in one form or the other. I must have underrated the role of romance in life. Man, woman, love, chemistry, biology , tee hee hee.

Writer’s block! Let’s end on this note ‘may we all find love of a far more lasting kind’